Life worth living

The atonement of Christ

2009-04-07T11:09:00.004-06:00

I wanted to record a sweet experience of parenthood that happened a few days ago.

On Friday Gracie asked if she could talk to me. I said sure and she began to tell me how in class they were supposed to write about a trip they went on with their family. She said that she couldn't think of any we had been on so she wrote that we went to Hawaii and told the class that she rode on a dolphin. It was hard to keep from laughing a bit, but I saw the concern on her face and asked her how she felt about the experience. She said that she felt very badly because she knew that it wasn't true. I asked her what she wanted to do about it and she said that she wanted to tell her teacher the truth. I was very proud of her for recognizing this on her own. I was pleased to see the workings of the Spirit on her little heart encouraging her to do right. On Sunday night before bedtime I told her that it was time for family prayer. She quietly asked me if when I said the prayer could I please ask Heavenly Father to help her have courage to tell her teacher the truth the next day. I gave her a big hug and agreed. I was outside on Monday when she came home from school running up to me with a big smile on her face. She said that she had told her teacher the truth and that her teacher wasn't mad at her.

Later on that night we were getting ready to go pick up pizza as a family. Gracie came up the stairs with very sad eyes and when we asked her what was wrong she broke down crying. In her hands she had a tiny plastic toy dolphin and a little heart made out of the beads that you iron and they stick together. I had seen these items around the house for probably two months or more. She explained sadly that they didn't belong to her. She had told me a long time ago that a friend had given them to her. She said that the dolphin belonged to her teacher and she had found the heart at school. She felt very badly about lying and taking something. She looked up at Jeremy and me and said, "What am I, some kind of loser?" Jeremy and I both had tears in our eyes as we took the opportunity to teach her again about the process of repentance and the beautiful gift of forgiveness extended by Jesus Christ. We expressed our love to her and how happy we were to see that she was growing up and that her heart was changing. We saw the pain lift from her face as she accepted that she would be forgiven and that she could make things right again. She told us that she was going to take the things back to her teacher the next day.

It is a beautiful thing to watch your child learn life lessons that I myself am still working on all the timef. Realizing how much compassion I had for her tender repentant heart caused me to think of my Father in Heaven and h0w much he loves me, even when I make mistakes, and the joy he feels when I humbly repent. I can see that my sweet daughter is growing up and that the discernment between right and wrong is becoming more clear to her all the time. I was happy to see that she felt like she could come to us and that we would help her know what to do to ease the little burden weighing on her soul. It makes all the hard moments worth it just to have one experience like this.

Update

2009-03-10T22:11:00.004-06:00

Update

On Friday I met with Gabe's pediatrician to discuss his sleeping problems. Gabe used to take a few hours to fall asleep and then wake up again around 3am or so and be awake for a few more hours and then go back to sleep. A few months ago we started Gabe on a low dose of over the counter Melatonin. This was great in helping him fall asleep. He was usually asleep within 20 minutes of going to bed which was a miracle. I feel like his behavior improved significantly as his sleep improved. However, the waking up at 3 am is going on again. This is because Melatonin is only meant to help you fall asleep...not necessarily stay asleep. So she suggested a medication called Tenex which she has used with some of her other Autistic patients and seen success. It doesn't have any side effects which is great. She also suggested upping his Melatonin dose. So we started the new meds on Friday but only .5 mg each night for the first week, then we bump up to 1 mg and then possibly 2 after that week. She said it will be about two weeks before we notice a difference. I'm very curious to see how this affects Gabe's moods and desire to cooperate. We shall see.

Today I met with an agency in town that does developmental therapy, community living skills and other therapy for people of all ages who have disabilities. Gabe is going to start getting 22 hours of therapy a week (which is how much Medicaid will pay for) through this agency. Some will be here at home and some will be in the community and at their center. They also have options for respite care in case I need a night out every now and again, I can have someone who is qualified to care for Gabe. She also said that someone could even go to church with us on Sunday to help with Gabe. This will all be starting in April. I don't know exactly what to expect, but it sounds like it will really help lift the burden from our shoulders. I'm also hoping that with increased therapy and better sleep that Gabe can make some gains in the way of communication. I feel hope in these things. I feel like I'm getting more organized. It's a lot of work trying to get all of this stuff set up. There is so much paperwork you have to get from here or there and then tons to sign everywhere, and meetings meetings meetings. Kind of crazy, but in the end it will be worth the work.

Something else that is on my mind tonight is my sweet Gracie. Gracie sees a counselor once a week at the youth studies center. When she was five she was tested for ADD and Aspbergers. She scored pretty high on both tests. These were not evaluations, but tests to see if she qualified for developmental preschool. She did qualify and did half a year of the preschool. Then she began kindergarden in a transitional kindergarden class which is a smaller kindergarden class that usually has special needs children in it...ranging from Downs kids to kids with speech delays. After two months of the T-Kindergarden she was moved into a regular kindergarden class. She did okay, but still had a LOT of behavioral- social/emotional difficulties. She has always had trouble expressing emotion in appropriate levels. She has difficulty with authority and problems in her relationships with other children. She finished out the year and began at a new school when we moved. She has done very well this year. Her teacher says that she occasionally has behavior issues, but nothing too serious. I mentioned last post that her teacher said that in the past three weeks her behavior has gone way downhill. The counselor said this could be because we are pushing her more to behave and she is resisting. She said we will keep watching over the next three weeks for an improvement. Also, Gracie's counselor gave me two types of tests/forms to fill out. One is the Gilliam Aspberger's Disorder Scale and the other is a Child Symptoms Inventory checklist. She gave me three sets, one for Jer to fill out, one for me and one for her teacher. I just got the ones from her teacher back today. I was looking them over and comparing some of her answers to my own. I had expected that I would rate her the highest in some areas out of the three of us. This is mostly because her teacher hasn't really elaborated much on Gracie's behavior, or offered any kind of thoughts or opinions on her behavior. But when I looked at the forms, she marked that she had "frequently observed" many of the behaviors listed in the Aspbergers form and in the Inventory checklist. Some of them were things that should would have been able to better observe than I could because she sees Gracie in a classroom setting with peers, and interacts with her for work and play related activities. I realized that I agreed with her on a lot of the stuff she had marked, when I originally marked "never" or "seldom observed" on my forms. Her teacher also wrote that Gracie was the very best reader she had ever taught in first grade out of ten years of teaching. (Usually aspbergers kids have a major area that they really excell in) Anyway, I guess it kind of hit me that she might actually have Aspbergers. There is a huge part of me that wants to reject that possibility. I feel like crying when I think about it. That's what spurred me to write tonight. It's hard to face things sometimes. I want to scream at it to go away and leave me alone.

At the same time though I am seeing that there is a lot of help out there right now and the only point of a "diagnosis" or label is so that you can get your child the best help they need to help them be the best they can, and be happy. Gracie hasn't changed. She has always been the way she is now. She has always had these behaviors and issues since I can remember, so it's not like my life is going to get harder because somebody puts a name on her collection of struggles. It just means that now we can focus on helping her the best we can, honing in on the specific areas that she needs help with. We can also look at other Aspbergers kids and parents and see what has worked for them and try it for ourselves.

I gotta run and go pick up Jeremy from school, but I am going to try and keep up with these issues on my blog because it helps me to write and I need an outlet for this emotion. I'm also glad to have this case history stuff recorded. Thanks for listening. ;)

2009-03-05T16:01:00.002-07:00

Today has been hard.

Gabe's therapist (a child psychologist and graduate student) seems at odds with what to do with him lately. He's being so obstinate and refusing to work. I am hearing the same story from his teacher at school. They are doing everything they know how and nothing is working or helping. Today Gabe and I both worked together with the therapist directing us. It went okay. We were practicing walking down the hall. Half the time he would just lay on the floor, or run away or run off into another room. When it was time to go he would walk a little bit and then lay on the floor or get distracted or stare off in space when I tried to talk with him. Finally he walked out of the office only to try and run up the stairs in the hallway. Finally once we got outside I just picked him up and carried him sideways to the car. Then I had to force him into his car seat and he is extremely strong. I had to brace his body in there with my knee while I tried to get the straps around his shoulders. The therapist usually brings the baby in his carrier out to the car for me because it takes all of me to get Gabe in the car. Then she says that she doesn't know how I do it and that he is one of her tougher patients to figure out what works with him. Then of course she has to bring up Levi. Everytime we are there she is always looking at him and asking if he's doing this or that...not helping the anxiety I already constantly feel about his development. Yesterday at the doctor's office she said that his development seemed on track which was great news. But I still have a major fear of losing Levi to autism. I'm always wondering if I'm doing enough and working with him enough because I think if I don't it will be my fault if he becomes autistic. I know this isn't true...but it's always going through my head just the same. The therapist was saying today, well just make sure you do this and this with Levi as much as you can to help him, kind of like early intervention. I just didn't need to hear that right now. Especially since yesterday I went to check Gracie out of school for a doctor appointment and her teacher asks me if something has changed in the past three weeks because her behavior has gone completely downhill. I said, "well, she started counseling." Awesome...here I am feeling like I am trying to get her help and things at school get worse. The good news is however, the teacher wants to test her to put her in the gifted and talented program.

Anyways, I am tired and feel completely inadequate to deal with everything. I think people expect me to know what to do with Gabe and guess what...I don't! I'm doing my best which isn't very much. I also think a lot of people completely underestimate the situation. I appreciate that people at church want to help so that we can bring Gabe, but I really think they have no idea what they are up against. They want to assign him someone to work with him at church and be his companion which is great, but when a developmental psychologist is struggling to work with him in her office each week...let's be realistic folks.

I need to remember that Gabe cycles in improvement and regression. I have seen it before and have gotten the same phone calls from his teachers. It's just hard. It's just the whole one step forward, five steps back thing that wears on me. I am going to meet with Gabe's doctor tomorrow about his sleeping problems. Gabe is usually awake in the middle of the night for a couple of hours everynight. He falls asleep quickly when we put him to bed because he takes melatonin at night. But melatonin doesn't help you stay asleep...just fall asleep. I think Gabe is partly exhausted and irritable from lack of rest. Hopefully he will be able to help me figure something out.

Okay, well it feels good to at least write this all out. Breathe Kelli...just breathe ;)

Things I want to do in the near future, or someday

2008-11-20T11:53:00.003-07:00

Go rock climbing

Take anthropology classes

Visit another country

Play a part in a musical again

Sing with a jazz band

Help with an extreme home makeover

Be trained as a nurse

Visit historical sites around my home

Go to a college football game

Make lasagna...(feel motivated to make lasagna)

Have a container garden of flowers on my back porch

Go on a river rafting trip again

Take a yoga class

Try out cycling

Do more hands on humanitarian work

Anger

2008-10-21T17:51:00.003-06:00

Sometimes anger is a difficult emotion for me to understand within myself. Most of the time it is a cycle that goes like this: I feel hurt about something, I get angry that someone hurt me, I pretend I don't care, I feel tempted to hurt them back somehow or make them feel guilty, and whether I do it or not, I usually end up feeling sad and frustrated. Once the the anger has taken its course, I feel yucky. I want to get it out of my system, I don't want what someone else did to have power to hurt me. I don't want to feel angry feelings towards someone. I begin to feel bad about myself that I have this "anger" thing inside of me and I can't rid myself of it. This is when I usually find myself in prayer because I realize I can't forgive on my own, or heal from the wound on my own.

Today I had this cycle of anger experience. After I prayed, God lead me to pick up a book that I had discovered a few months ago that has some profound insights on anger. I want to post some of my favorites here. It is a book of meditations on transforming difficult emotions by Thich Nhat Hanh. It's called Taming the Tiger Within.

I love this meditation because it helped me realize that anger does not define who I am. Anger is simply an emotion...not me.

"In a time of anger or despair, even if we feel overwhelmed, our love is still there. Our capacity to communicate, to forgive, to be compassionate is still there. You have to believe this. We are more than our anger, we are more than our suffering. We must recognize that we do have within us the capacty to love, to understand, to be compassionate, always. "

He also says that, "Nothing can heal anger except compassion." I have found this to be the best tool in diffusing my hurt or angry feelings.

" When you begin to see the suffering in the other person, compassion is born, and you no longer consider that person as your enemy. You can love your enemy. The moment you realize that your so-called enemy suffers, and you want to help him stop suffering, he ceases to be your enemy."

Finally, there is one last meditation which touched me concerning compassion.

"Compassion is a beautiful flower born of understanding. When you get angry with someone, practice breathing in and out mindfully. Look deeply into the situation to see the true nature of your own and the other person's suffering, and you will be liberated."

Anger is poison to the soul. Carrying it around in my heart will drag me down in all aspects of my life. But I don't get rid of it by trying to imagine it away, or not think about it. I have to search out understanding which will yield compassion. Jesus Christ is the embodiment of compassion. He has perfect compassion because he did experience everything that we (and our seeming enemies) feel. We won't be able to experience our "enemies" sufferings the same way He has, but we can try to put ourselves in their shoes and walk a mile. We can imagine the compassion which Christ has for them, and for each of us individually and forgive.

Go Grass Roots

2008-09-30T12:17:00.004-06:00

Attention friends,

Don't let news media or politicians think for you. Get informed about what the situation is really about, and then do something about it! A great website that breaks things down and has a good video is :

www.fedupusa.org

There are actually a lot of other alternatives to solving the economic crisis. Let your congressman & senator know that you want them to explore these instead of using tax payer $ and getting our country into more debt (they would have to borrow the 7 billion). You might be surprised at how they voted on Monday.

It is easy to contact their offices. Look up their contact info on google, or find out who they are by visiting www.usa.gov

I called the # listed for their Washington DC office. Someone will answer and all you have to say is that you are a concerned citizen who says NO Bailout Bill...Find a Better Way without burdening the tax payers! They will take down your name and address for records purposes and that's it!

You will have let your gov't representatives know what you want because right now they are listening...taking tallys of what the people are saying. They want to get re-elected.

It only takes a few minutes and can make a big difference. Thanks for listening.

Baby pics

2008-09-08T12:30:00.012-06:00

Sorry for posting these soooo late but I've been kinda busy. This is sweet little Levi Garrett Foutch. He was born July 9th 2008 at 7 lbs 1 oz and 18 inches long. We love you Levi!!!

What...a NEW post??? It can't be!!!

2008-09-08T12:05:00.002-06:00

Yes folks, I am still alive and kickin'

Here's a little sum up for ya.
Jeremy decided to go back to school as a grad student to work towards a doctorate in chemistry. So we packed up our little family after a crazy amount of prep work and moved once again back to Moscow, Idaho. It was really crappy saying goodbye to Nicole & Jon, Mike & Acacia, Trace and Josh and my bros. I miss them tons. But we are adjusting to life in Idaho. We like where we live and have really good friends right next door and family super close too which has been great.

I am realizing again what a cool little nook Moscow happens to be. There are a lot of ecclectic shops and it has such a tight community feel to it. There is always something fun going on around here. I have to admit though that I do miss super walmart :(
Gracie is happy because she has friends close by and cousins too. The school is close enough to walk to and she and Gabe both go to the same one. Their classrooms are right across from each other.

I've been thinking the baby has acid reflux for a number of reasons, and last night we started him on zantac and he slept all night!!! Five and a half glorious hours of sleep! Then he slept during his nap this morning instead of waking up screaming after sleeping only twenty minutes like he usually does. Oh happy day. Last weekend Gabe had the flu and this past week and weekend I had a sinus infection, and today Gracie woke up with a fever. Wow..what fun. At least the baby is happier. I am feeling better too luckily.

Jer likes school so far and is getting ready to start teaching a lab beginning this week. I told him I want to come spy on him and watch him teach. I think it'd be cute.

Anyways, I gotta take care of my crazies

blog back soon

True compassion

2008-04-08T12:19:00.001-06:00

I read this little bit of inspiration today.

“Frequently people think compassion and love are merely sentimental. No! They are very demanding. If you are going to be compassionate, be prepared for action.” -Desmond Tutu

Ode to Joy!

2008-03-19T23:04:00.003-06:00

I like to call this Gabe's Tibetan Monk flour art.

I said, "Hey Darren, wanna see what I get to clean up?" He came up and felt the need for a photo op, so I decided to smile gracefully.

Oh joy...days later there are still remnants of flour in my kitchen and entry way.

By the way, this isn't the flour spill I referred to the other day in my previous post...this is a new one. See that bucket in the pantry...it used to be full. I won't be refilling it anytime soon in case you were wondering.

Good times!

2008-03-15T13:49:00.001-06:00

This poem touched me today.

And joy is everywhere;
It is in the Earth's green covering of grass;
In the blue serenity of the Sky;
In the reckless exuberance of Spring;
In the severe abstinence of grey Winter;
In the Living flesh that animates our bodily frame;
In the perfect poise of the Human figure, noble and upright;
In Living;In the exercise of all our powers;
In the acquisition of Knowledge;
In fighting evils...Joy is there Everywhere.

Rabindranath Tagore
Indian Poet

Monkey boy I love you!

2008-03-11T17:20:00.004-06:00

It was about 50 degrees outside today when Gabe came home from school at around 3:45. He went straight out to the backyard to run around and climb the tree. I eventually joined him outside and laid down on a huge black blanket that we had spread out on the lawn yesterday. One of Gabe's favorite things in the world is to get wrapped up in a blanket anywhere! He quickly came over and joined me on the blanket. We just laid there in the warm sunshine for about fifteen minutes. I went inside to make a phone call and was gone for about twenty minutes. Gabe came in the kitchen when I was just off the phone and started saying, "I want bed pweeze." I wasn't sure what he was talking about so I took his hand and he led me back out to the blanket to get wrapped up again.

I feel so happy in those moments. Even though there is sometimes a barrier with Gabe's Autism, He let's me know often that he loves me and wants to be around me which is pretty unique for a kid like him.

Plus it builds my patience back up for the little monkey. Especially after yesterday when he turned into cyclone boy, destroying everything in his path. Seriously, the amount of mess I cleaned up yesterday would make a HAZMAT employee cringe! We're talking two entire gallons of milk spilled on my kitchen floor within one hour (he was trying to pour himself some milk...and by the way I had of course chosen yesterday to mop the kitchen floor earlier) IT'S CALLED A CRUEL IRONY FOLKS! Then there was a rather large amount of flour dumped from a bucket onto my entry rug...and a little monkey who played in it and looked like a ghost; a bag of cheerios dumped out in the office, and last but not least...a roll of toilet paper distributed nicely throughout a full bathtub. It's a good thing the monkey is cute and often redeems himself with his "kiss kiss" and snuggles or I think I'd send him off to the circus. Good thing parenting has rewards right??!!!

p.s. Something I love about spring is the sound of kids playing outside. I have always loved hearing their voices as background noise. It just makes me happy.

Babies and spring fever

2008-03-10T08:56:00.002-06:00

20 weeks yesterday and I've hit the halfway mark! I keep thinking about how different it's going to be having a baby around again. The blankies and little clothes, late nights and crying; all the extra little things involved with having a new baby.

I'm looking forward to the time we will be able to spend together though since at the end of August Gracie and Gabe will both be going to school till the afternoon. I'm hoping this will give me some time during the day to get extra rest.

I think we have settled for sure on Matthew as this little guy's name. Probably Matthew Bruce Foutch. It's not in stone yet but it sounds good so far.

Sorry for the lame posts and lack of posts...just sort of don't have much to blog about right now. However, I did do one very exciting thing. I picked out and bought my first paint, and painted an entire wall in my family room. I LOVE IT!! It's a warm light color called "silk." I enjoyed the process very much and since I loved the color on the walls I'm going to go back for more paint so I can finish the rest of the room. The feeling of choosing something that fits my style personally and having it actually turn out well was awesome. I also got some pillows for the couch down there and two valances for the windows. The room was in desperate need of color and now it is starting to feel really nice down there. Gracie's kindergarden teacher saw me at walmart and guessed by my cart that I was having spring fever. I LOVE spring fever!!

IT'S A BOY!!!

2008-02-27T12:04:00.002-07:00

I'm excited to announce that after an ultra sound yesterday, we are having another sweet baby boy! He looks healthy and strong and we can't wait for him to join our family. I think Leah swapped places with her bro, but it's okay with me cause I am happy either way. I love both. Only problem now is that we are stumped on a name for the little guy. None of the names we think of seem to fit. The only one I am seriously considering at the moment is Matthew. I sort of like a few different names from the bible like Zacchaeus (call him Zacche) Well we don't know. Oh well we are just happy to welcome him. My due date is for sure July 27th! Hooray!

Rays of light

2008-02-04T13:09:00.000-07:00

Don't know if it's just me, but I think I just might NOt be a morning person. When I wake up I am usually forcing myself to get going...straining to face the day. Things get better as it goes along but it takes a while and sometimes after the kids are on the bus I go back to bed for an hour.

Today I stepped out onto the porch to shovel the walkway so that Gracie would have a clear path for when she got off the bus today. When I stepped out, there was the most wonderful sound of TONS of birds chirping away at the same time. The sun was blasting it's beautiful warm rays down on the melting snow and on my face. The exercise of my muscles was glorious as I shoveled, but mostly my spirit was infused with light. Thank you God for this experience today. I needed it.

The "apple" of my eye :)

2008-01-30T10:46:00.001-07:00

This is my weekly update email from a baby website

"Your growing baby now measures about 4 inches long, crown to rump, and weighs in at about 2 1/2 ounces (about the size of an apple). She's busy moving amniotic fluid through her nose and upper respiratory tract, which helps the primitive air sacs in her lungs begin to develop. Her legs are growing longer than her arms now, and she can move all of her joints and limbs. Although her eyelids are still fused shut, she can sense light. If you shine a flashlight at your tummy, for instance, she's likely to move away from the beam."

Here comes the sun

2008-01-29T10:06:00.001-07:00

The sun is shining beautifully outside today and there are only a few more days left of my least favorite month!!! I like today. Today is good.

I wanted to comment on something else here too. I just returned from going visiting teaching. I forgot how much I enjoy going into another sister's home and getting to know her and sharing similar feelings and experiences. It is so refreshing to go and discuss messages of the gospel and share our weaknesses with each other and talk about how we want to be better. I love being reminded that I am not the only one who is imperfect and struggles with certain things, but that we all have things we are wrestling with in our lives that we want to improve upon. I felt the power today of sharing in testimony with other women and praying with them at the end for the welfare of their homes and for their spirits. Out of four different women coming together at different times it was amazing to see the things we had in common but also the differences which made us each unique. I am thankful to have the opportunity to participate in something which lifts me so much.

Follow up

2008-01-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

Today I got up at 7:00 am and took a bath. While there I decided to do some basic stretches. I did them for about 10-15 minutes. I got out and felt excited and relaxed. It was a small way to exercise, but I did it, it felt good, and it wasn't hard to motivate myself to try. I got dressed and did my hair and helped Gracie get ready for school. Then I got this urge to go outside and shovel snow. Our walk hadn't been shoveled in quite a while so the snow was packed down quite a bit. Needless to say...it was a good workout without feeling like a workout and I got to breathe wonderful fresh air while the snow was falling all around me, AND...I wasn't cold because I was bustin my backside out there. YAY!

I feel great peace and joy today and thank God for helping me find a way to, "accomplish the thing which he has commanded me" while still having understanding of my weaknesses. I am thankful.

Rambling

2008-01-17T14:57:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot today about the state of mind I've been in these past two weeks. It's almost like I've been living in a fog, just feeling my way through to get out as quickly as possible. Last week I had a severe migraine which lasted all night long and into the next afternoon. This week I've been wrestling a cold and also had Gabe home from school everyday this week due to his cold.

Almost everything in life has felt difficult to approach. I feel like all my time is spent only doing things which are essential to survival. I do have time to do some other things, but my strength is spent so easily. Now, logic tells me- yeah, you're pregnant with a cold, your whole routine has been off this week and you have been fighting off headaches like crazy- not to mention the lovely gray freezing weather outside. I'm often tempted to battle that logic with thoughts like- something's wrong with you, you've lost your motivation for everything, how sad to be in survival mode etc. BUT sometimes, life is survival mode for a while. I want to learn to be okay with that. I just don't function well when my body is not up to par.

I did also however, have two thoughts. One, that I need to get some exercise to help relieve some of my tension headaches. I struggle with this one mainly because I want to walk outside but it is FREEEEEZING!!! I could do an exercise video after the kids leave for school, but the motivation to go down to the cold basement and exercise to a video alone when I feel tired is well...less than desirable. I'm pretty positive I wouldn't go to a gym if I had a membership either. I've got to come up with something though. I know it will help.

Second impression is to increase the amount of thought I put into my prayers. At night or in the morning I want to write out some things that I really want to focus my prayer on that day or week instead of just running down a list of whatever comes to mind at the moment as I pray.

I guess I am in kind of a rut and I need to come up with some things to jar me out of that. I have been eating healthier and making new meals which has been fun. I'm just kind of living in the blahs right now. I gotta get out!

Oh spring come rescue me with your inspiring beauty! :)

Four things about me...then you!

2008-01-15T09:55:00.000-07:00

Four Things...

Four things about me that you may or may not have known, in no particular order. The directions are at the end.

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Childcare worker at a daycare
2. Worked in the reading lab as a tutor at Ricks College
3. Worked four days as a phone survey person ;) (yuck!)
4. Wrote press releases, descriptions of the company etc for a travel booking website

Four places I have lived:
1. California
2. Oregon
3. Utah
4. Washington

Four TV Shows that I watch: (When we had cable-not big TV watcher)
1. Some food network shows
2. Extreme Makeover home edition
3. Deadliest Catch
4. COPS

Four places I have been (other than where I lived):
1. Washington DC
2. Missouri
3. Canada
4. Florida

People who email me regularly
1. Traci
2. Nobody
3. I'm a loser
4. I need more friends :D

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Sour candy
2. Cafe Rio beef salad
3. Pizza
4. Bread in most all forms

Four things I look forward to in the next year
1. Having a new baby
2. Becoming more organized
3. Planting a garden!
4. Gabe continuing to make awesome progress

If you have read this, tag you are it. Copy and paste on your blog with your own answers

My little Lime!

2008-01-09T11:35:00.000-07:00

" The most dramatic development this week: Reflexes. Your baby's fingers will soon begin to open and close, his toes will curl, his eye muscles will clench, and his mouth will make sucking movements. In fact, if you prod your abdomen, your baby will squirm in response, although you won't be able to feel it. His intestines, which have grown so fast that they protrude into the umbilical cord, will start to move into his abdominal cavity about now, and his kidneys will begin excreting urine into his bladder. From crown to rump, your baby-to-be is just over two inches long (about the size of a lime) and weighs half an ounce."

Winter

2007-12-31T13:19:00.000-07:00

I'm happy that today is the last day of December. I have been sick almost the entire month which sorta put a damper on the holidays. I now associate Christmas thanks to (first trimester pregnancy) and Christmas anything ie. decor, songs, treats with feeling totally nauseated non stop and exhausted. I am slowly feeling better physically except for in the evening time. But it is MUCH better than before.

That said, I move on to the topic on my mind. Seasonal Affective Disorder.

I feel stupid even writing that out, like it's some dumb, fake thing made up by someone, and yet it is so real to me. On Sunday morning I woke up to gray outside, barren trees, white everywhere. As I looked out the window, the lack of life and color sucked feeling from my chest. If you've read the book Neverending Story, they talk about, "the nothing" and how it's taking over the land of Fantastica. When I read that book I really connected with the idea of "the nothing" taking over. It's what you feel sometimes when you feel depression setting in or how you feel after someone dies and the shock has worn off. It's what I feel when I look out the window and know that January is coming with its bitter cold and mostly dark days. There is fear too, of those feelings. I don't like being cold, so I don't really enjoy being outside. There is a feeling of claustrophobia and suffocation that often occurs because of staying indoors so much.

There are many things I can do, and I have some ideas. But I wanted to write about the way I feel as January and February approach. I wanted to examine the feelings somewhat objectively. I poured out my heart to God quietly in my walk in closet. I pleaded for help because I do not always understand or know how to combat these things. That's all I have to say on the subject at present.

Music video Tuesday: Alison

2007-12-11T10:25:00.000-07:00

Found this one on youtube.

Alison Krauss (in my opinion one of the most talented female vocalists of all time) singing a gorgeous song "A living prayer" written by fellow bandmate Ron Block. This song is set to a video of different images from the blue ridge mountains. It's beautiful and moving to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9upE_PGJVq8&feature=related

Music Video Tuesday? :D

2007-12-04T09:45:00.000-07:00

Couldn't get this clip on my blog but here is a link to something to make you smile. Two of my favorite things: James Taylor + Sesame Street
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uQa4dvrg1E&feature=related

I've also got one more little gem

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64_303eHaTM

This performance makes me melt. He is near the top of my list of very favorite musicians of all time.

Hey baby!

2007-11-30T11:45:00.000-07:00

After many months of pondering and preparation and prayer, we decided to try for baby # 3.

As some of you know I am now about 6 1/2 weeks along. I'm feeling pretty good though trying to get through the nausea. Sour candy, baked lays, pretzels, and wintergreen lifesavers are currently helping to ease the yuckies a bit. We have also felt strongly that if it is a girl we will name her Leah. Not totally sure on the boy name yet. We have considered Isaiah.

My baby is the size of a lentil bean, and yet its heart is beating about 100 to 160 times a minute and blood is beginning to course through its body. Its intestines are developing, and the bud of tissue that will give rise to its lungs has appeared. The rest of his brain, muscles, and bones are also forming. CRAZY and beautiful all at once. I am truly thankful for this blessing.

The Lord has been preparing the way for us. Gabe has made much progress in just the past two months. As we prompt him now with the sign for the letter I, he will tell us what he wants when he is needing/wanting something. He says, "I want ______ please." He also started potty training kind of out of nowhere which was a miracle and a shock! We can tell him to go in and go potty now and he will go in and go by himself. The trick will be getting him to come to the point of realizing the need to go on his own, but for now I feel thrilled with this progress! He is just an awesome fun little boy to watch and grow with. He still has his days, like last week when he went out into the backyard and climbed a ladder that was up against the side of the house. He was at the top, about to get onto the roof. Gabe has pretty much zero sense of danger. I just happened to look outside and saw him. I ran up and grabbed him. Then a few days before that, one of the locks on the top of our door got left unlocked for literally five minutes while I was in the kitchen. In the meantime, Gabe came upstairs from the basement and walked out into the dark night. He has done this a few times before, but it is horrible and scary everytime, especially at night. We ran down the street and couldn't find him. Jer got in the car and drove around. Gabe was about a quarter of a mile away. A memeber of our ward had seen him and grabbed him for us. Thankfully, that child has a host of angels following him around.

Gracie is also improving so much at school and at home. She started out the beginning of the year in a transitional kindergarden due to behavioral/social problems. About two weeks ago her teacher called and asked if they could start putting her in a regular kindergarden class since she was doing so well. She's been thriving in this class and yesterday they called and said I can put her into her local school if I want.

So yes, the Lord has been preparing the way and I am truly thankful.

Defend our Constitution!

2007-11-12T14:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Lovers of Liberty,

1. Are you aware by May of 2008 the law will require you to carry a national identification card?

2. Are you aware that there are plans being developed to have all Americans embedded with a Radio Frequency Identification (RFID) computer chip under their skin so they can be tracked wherever they go?

3. Are you aware the Supreme Court has ruled that the government has no authority to impose a direct unapportioned tax on the labor of the American people (income tax on labor and wages), and the 16th Amendment does not give the government that power?

4. Are you aware that computer voting machines can be rigged and there is no way to ensure that vote is counted?

If you value truth, freedom and our constitution, please watch this documentary. Click on the link to watch. This is not hype, but truth. Look it up if you don't believe it. Those of you who watch, please let me know what you think.http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1656880303867390173&q=America%2C+Freedom+To+Fascism&total=756&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=0

2007-11-10T17:17:00.000-07:00

Here's a poem I love by William Wordsworth to replace my current bloggers block. I really relate to this poem because I often see such beauty in nature and in life. Often, during hard times, the spirit of the Lord recalls these memories to my mind to give me strength

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host of golden daffodils,
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They streched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay;
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced, but they
outdid the sparkling waves in glee;
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company;
I gazed- and gazed but tlittle thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon the inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

kelliology

2007-11-06T19:20:00.000-07:00

Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followed by "ology."

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. Arbys : the philly (which is thankfully now back on the menu)

Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A: Oddly enough I eat bran flakes for breakfast everyday and don't really get sick of it.

Q.What are your pizza toppings of choice?
A. Pepperoni, extra sauce, extra cheese.

TECHNOLOGYQ. What is currently on your computer wall paper?
A: I haven't put wallpaper on in a long time...just don't think to do it I guess.

Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A: One

BIOLOGYQ. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. Right handed.

Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. Not too long ago.

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. Not KNOCKED, but I got hypothermia from being in the pacific ocean too long in Oregon. I didn't really know I got it and I went and got into a hot tub (we were at a hotel on the beach) my temp rose too fast and I jumped back in the pool. I went upstairs and passed out on the bed. When I passed out I bit my lip really bad. I still have the scar...I was pretty young and stupid.

BULL-CRAPOLOGYQ. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. Nope.

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A. Pinks and aqua/turquoise type colors I think.

Q. Have you ever saved someone's life?
A. I did the heimlich on a girl who was choking. I pulled a girl that was drowning out of the water.

Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. I'm sure they have, but i guess it didn't leave enough of an impact cause I can't remember.

DUMBOLOGYQ: What is in your left pocket?A: My earrings

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A. I love it.

Q. Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?A: Both

Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A: Me personally, not since 1999 and I didn't even get a ticket then yay!

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: A professional life long learner...who does a little bit of everything.

LASTOLOGYQ: Last person who called you?
A: My sister

Q: Person you hugged?
A: Gracie when I got home tonight

FAVORITOLOGYQ: Number?
A: Sorry, don't have one

Q: Season?
A: I love different things about all of them but I hate January and most of February.

CURRENTOLOGYQ: Mood?
A: Sleepy and content

Q: Listening to?
A: Silence

Q: Watching?
A: The screen

RANDOMOLOGYQ: First place you went this morning?
A: To pick up my grandma to go to the family history library.

Q: What can you not wait to do?
A: Go to bed tonight...I'm tired :D

Q: What's the last movie you saw?
A: Premonition.

Q: Do you smile often?
A: Absolutely! I try to smile at everyone I make eye contact with

Ode to childhood

2007-10-10T23:00:00.000-06:00

When I was a junior in high school I wrote this poem for a poetry class I was taking. I fixed it up a little. It is simple but fun and reminds me of a really happy part of my childhood.

Back In the Day
An Ode

Back then
me and "sissy" woke up early
to tiptoe down the hall in shades of morning light.
We paid our respects
to Saturday morning cartoons,
eyes glued to "Thundercats."
Our mouths, like gates, opened,
awaiting sugar coated cereal.

When the California sun began to shine hot
through sheer curtains in the living room,
we'd feed our milky bowls to the sink,
exchanging care bear nightgowns
for mismatched clothes, grabbed hurridly.
The screen door banged behind us;
we pedaled down the street
in search of fun and the face of a friend.

We trusted freely then,
if you were bigger than us.
I lived in fear that wads of old chewing gum
hugged the walls of my stomach,
because that's what happens when you swallow gum;
And you could count on it being there for seven long years.
I suppose that's not as bad as the watermelon seeds we swallowed
which would surely sprout soon next to that gum.

How could we conceive of the life that would come
as we velcroed our shoes
and rolled our socks.
Cops and robbers was a game we played.
Bad things happened far away,
pretend
like when we played house.

We flourished in the shelter of our childood.

2007-10-09T00:30:00.000-06:00

The major lapse in posting has been due mostly to the fact that we moved. I hate moving, but this was a good move from our apartment to a house with a LOT more space. My kids are happier here, I am happier here...I can sing loudly and my kids can run around the house and I'm not worried about the person below us-YAY! Things are finally settling back into a routine and I'm finally recovering from the exhaustion involved with moving and resettling. I want to write more but it's 12:35 am and I've got to be up at 7:30 which to many people sounds great but when I go to bed late, no matter what time, I get up the next morning and feel really tired and I hate that feeling.

Just a thought,

I'm trying to have moments where I stop, acknowledge a joyful or beautiful moment and thank God for giving me that experience...even the smallest things. I'm noticing more richness in my life as I do this. There is so much joy to be had if you open your eyes. All those little moments begin to add up and bring a sense of peace. Kate...do you remember we called them "bright spots" mostly for when something bad could have happened but didn't ;)

Commit yourself to Live.

2007-08-30T09:06:00.000-06:00

My friend Cody posted this on his blog and I wanted to repost it here cause I think it is fabulous.

A Frivolous Life - Ben Saunders Adventurer, Athlete, Motivational Speaker“I have a choice, the same choice that faces every man. I can live a frivolous life, trying to impress others with the house I live in, the clothes I wear, the car I drive. I can strive to be a success in the way of the world, seeking the admiration of others, reveling in their jealousy. I can seek domination over my family and fellow workers in a vain attempt to hide my own deficiencies. I can seek fame, which is the most elusive pursuit of all, for it has no substance and soon vanishes in the air.
I can indulge in endless prattle about my friends and neighbours, dissipating my life’s energy a little at a time. I can wallow in self-pity, refusing to accept responsibility for my own circumstances. I can manipulate others into taking care of me, which is the way of all petty tyrants. I can complain about boredom, as if it were up to those around me to inject excitement into my day.
These are the patterns of the living dead, people who have forsaken life, who are willing to squander their most precious gift, because they refuse to face up to the reality of death. If they wanted to live, truly wanted to live, they would rise up in a resurrection of their own making and commit themselves to the life they have.”

Sometimes you just need a hug

2007-08-29T09:12:00.001-06:00

This morning I woke the kids up at 8:00 am-ish. I guess I should preface all of this by saying that the bus garage got Gabe's info all mixed up and his driver was supposed to call me yesterday to let me know whether or not she could pick him up today. His teacher had told me that she probably wouldn't be able to pick him up till Monday after getting the info fixed with the district. The bus driver never called yesterday and so I had planned on leaving here at 9:00 am to take Gabe to school. Also, I had been told that they would probably be picking up Gabe at a quarter to nine.

Well, Gabe had been out of bed for a total of probably five minutes when I received a phone call from his bus driver saying that they were stuck behind a train but would be here in five minutes. So in five minutes I'm supposed to undress him, change his diaper, redress him, try to feed him something (eating is a HUGE struggle), get semi-dressed myself, get his lunch money together, backpack ready and get him out the door. I don't know if anyone has tried this with an Autistic child, but it's not easy...not one part. He ended up having a handful of life cereal for breakfast, along with a small cup of milk. So I get him out the door and on the bus. It is now 8:25 am. I sit down for a few breather moments and then at 8:35 I check on Gracie's getting ready status. She has of course dressed herself in non-matching clothes. So for five minutes I argue with her trying to get her to choose whether she will change her skirt or shirt. Finally after much debate she decides to change her shirt. I fix her hair to make it somewhat presentable and we are out the door. She is happy and playing. Then the bus comes and as we are walking towards the bus she freezes and says in a panicky voice, "I'm thirsty!" Okay. I tell her she can use the drinking fountain that is right next to her classroom as soon as she gets to school. All of the sudden she is crying, "I don't want to go!" We coax and cajole to no avail. Finally I practically pick her up and force her to start walking up the bus steps as she resists and cries. And, of course she is crying out, "MAMA" in her most dramatic voice as though I am sending her to the gallows instead of to kindergarden. I get back in the house and all I can think is 1. I need a hug and 2. I want to go back to bed!

2007-08-28T11:13:00.000-06:00

My kids are back in school and all is right with the world! (SIGH)

2007-07-30T12:33:00.000-06:00

"In Lewis Carroll's classic Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Alice finds herself coming to a crossroads with two paths before her, each stretching onward, but in opposite directions. She is confronted by the Cheshire Cat, of whom she asks,

'Which path shall I take?'

The cat answers,

'That depends on where you want to go. If you do not know where you want to go, it doesn't really matter which path you take.' "

Exerpt from Live the Good Life, a collection of sermons by President Thomas S. Monson

Faith

2007-07-29T12:18:00.000-06:00

"Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world...which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men..."

Ether 12:4

"...dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."

12:6

"Wherefore, ye may also have hope, and be partakers of the gift, if ye will but have faith."
12:9

Atlas Shrugged

2007-07-09T10:16:00.000-06:00

All I can say is that I'm reading a book called Atlas Shrugged and it is changing my whole life and paradigm. There is so much to say on the subject that I don't even know where to start. Amazing concepts, writing, everything. Awesome!

Wishlist by Pearl Jam

2007-06-27T09:45:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted in forever and I know I just need to write something so that I get going again. I've always loved the imagery of these lyrics by Pearl Jam. So here ya go

Wishlist

I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off
I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on
I wish I was a sentimental ornament you hung on
The christmas tree, I wish I was the star that went on top
I wish I was the evidence, I wish I was the grounds
For 50 million hands upraised and open toward the sky

I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me
I wish I was as fortunate, as fortunate as me
I wish I was a messenger and all the news was good
I wish I was the full moon shining off a camaros hood

I wish I was an alien at home behind the sun
I wish I was the souvenir you kept your house key on
I wish I was the pedal brake that you depended on
I wish I was the verb to trust and never let you down

I wish I was a radio song, the one that you turned up
I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish
I guess it never stops

Forget sexy, Bring girlhood back!

2007-04-25T08:49:00.002-06:00

I saw this article today on msn.com entitled, "Are Bratz dolls too sexy?" This is on my mind often as I have a five year old who wants to emulate what she sees on TV. She wants to be, "stylin" as she puts it. I wanted to post some parts of this article. I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees this as a PROBLEM!

A psychologist sums things up with this (my favorite quote from the article):

"The dolls encourage girls to think of themselves as sexualized objects whose power is equated with dressing provocatively."

Where the word "dolls" is we could insert, womens magazines, commercials, movies, tv shows, books, music. And you might as well change that "girls" to women because it's not only girls that get that message.

The following is some exerpts from the article:

"There’s something undeniably disconcerting about seeing teen and preteen girls dressed to emulate their idols like Britney Spears—decked out in butt-grazing mini skirts and tight, belly-baring T-shirts. And probably the only thing even more alarming than that sight is seeing a similarly sexy outfit on girl who’s still in kindergarten. It’s a phenomenon that has child development experts worried and some parents fighting mad.
“Little girls are being encouraged to immerse themselves in the preoccupations of adolescence,” says Susan Linn, co-founder of the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood (CCFC). “They are going straight from preschool to teenager and skipping over the important development stages that should take place during middle childhood.”
But it’s not just pop stars who are to blame for popularizing looks that are too sexy for grammar school. The latest culprit in this culture war is something seemingly innocent—a line of dolls. The Bratz are marketed as dolls with “a passion for fashion.” Fashions that include low-cut jeans and halter tops worn over little girl-like bodies. MGA Entertainment (the company that makes them) says the dolls are geared toward girls ages 7 to 11, but girls as young as 4 are eager to play with them too. And in a culture that glorifies fashion, runway models and celebrity cover girls, it’s no surprise that the obsession would trickle down even to preschool fashionistas. Little girls have always wanted to emulate older ones. But critics claim that the message of the wildly popular Bratz dolls (according to the manufacturer, over 145 million have been sold since they debuted in 2001) is that image is everything. “The dolls encourage girls to think about themselves as sexualized objects whose power is equated with dressing provocatively,” says Linn.
The Bratz Web site is rife with examples that seem to play to that point. While waiting for the transition from one screen to another, the message flashes “Please wait … it takes time to look this good.” And included in the “profiles” of the dolls is each one’s “favorite body part.” “Little girls shouldn’t be thinking of their body parts in that way,” says Linn. “Plus, the very idea of a ‘favorite’ part encourages you to think about your least favorite.”
But the company selling the dolls disagrees with such criticisms. “Adults see sex in everything, but kids don’t,” says Isaac Larian, CEO of MGA Entertainment. “Bratz dolls promote diversity and creativity.” He asserts that kids buy them because they are “beautiful,” and scoffs at the notion that there is anything sexual about the dolls. “I’m looking at a whole wall of them in my office, and I don’t see them wearing sexy clothes,” he says. “They’re just fantasy dolls.”
And since much of childhood play is about fantasy, what’s so bad about playing with such “fantasy” dolls? According to child development experts, kids use play as an opportunity to learn and to experiment with things from their own experience that they see in the world around them. “When young girls have an open-ended toy—like a generic baby doll—it encourages creativity,” says Diane Levin, a professor in the early childhood education department at Wheelock College in Boston. “But the scenarios of Bratz dolls tells them how to play—to dress up, do your hair, go to fashion shows.” Taken one step further, playing with these types of toys, experts assert, makes girls want to imitate the roles they see in the dolls—to dress up like them, do what they do.

The argument is that lines of Bratz clothing (similar to the dolls’ garb) and places like Club Libby Lu, where girls can dress up like their favorite pop idols (complete with hair, makeup and clothing) turn girls into living embodiments of sexy dolls. “At a time in their development when children are trying to understand what it means to be a boy or a girl, they are getting the narrowest possible image of what those gender roles mean,” says Levin. If what girls are learning as early as preschool is that they have to be sexy and attractive, that is supposedly setting them up for self-image issues and eating disorders later on.
That was the conclusion reached by the American Psychological Association (APA) Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls, in a report released earlier this year. The task force defined “sexualization” as a person’s value coming only from his or her sexual appeal or behavior to the exclusion of other characteristics. The analysis of all the available research on the subject showed evidence that this sort of sexualization can negatively impact a girl’s self-confidence, body image, self-esteem, sexual development and mental health.

And while the much-maligned Bratz dolls did warrant a mention in the report, they were far from the only culprits singled out. “Even American Girl dolls are being sold with accompanying body lotion,” says Lamb. That sends a message, she says, telling girls that lotion is something they need. “And girls don’t need to be self-conscious about needing soft skin at 7 years old,” says Lamb.
The report calls out examples from across current popular culture that present equally sexual messages—in advertising, TV, movies, fashion and music. Researchers cited things like thongs sold by stores catering to “tweens” (girls ages 7 to 12) and lyrics to widely played songs (like the Pussycat Dolls “Don’tcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?”).
Overly sexualized images of women and girls in the media are also having a negative impact on boys’ development, say many researchers. Just as girls are learning at ever-younger ages to equate attractiveness with sexiness, boys are learning that it’s perfectly acceptable to judge girls purely on how hot they look. “It’s a confusing message for boys,” says Lamb, “and the more of these idealized images they see early on, the more dissatisfied they are likely to be with real women, and that could affect their future romantic relationships.” And the fact that these things are impacting younger and younger children means that boys and girls are both missing out on an important time in their gender development. “Middle childhood is when boys and girls should be able to be friends without sexualization getting in the way,” says Linn.
Although the pervasiveness of sexy images can make it hard for parents to combat marketing messages, there are ways to fight back. One is to get involved. The CCFC recently launched a letter-writing campaign trying to convince Scholastic Inc. to stop promoting and selling Bratz brand books through its school book fairs and clubs. It’s certainly worth trying to limit children’s exposure to inappropriate media, music, clothing, etc., but experts agree that the most important thing parents can do is communicate with their children. “Help them to recognize and go beyond these stereotypes,” says Levin. “Don’t just say ‘no’ to something, since that cuts you off from discussion.”

2007-04-05T11:05:00.000-06:00

I have spent a lot of time reading this past week. I have read conference talks by the apostles from the Church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints. I have read a book called, "There is no death," a story of a woman who's encounter with death and the spirit world changed her whole life. I have also today finished reading the book, "The Secret."

A common thread in all of these is Love, kindness, service, faith, living honestly and with joy. I have tried this week to fill my mind with light of knowledge. I know that I create my own reality. I feel so joyful today. I feel a sense of power in my world through prayer, thought and the mercy of God. I don't have to lie down and submit. Even in situations where I am seemingly powerless, I really do have something to contribute, and that is positive thought (faith) belief in what is not seen but what is real.

This morning I was eating my breakfast and I instead of looking across my window at the ugliness of the trucks and junk from the landscaping company across the way, I saw the mountains, I saw the trees growing new leaves, I heard the sound of birds, I felt the joy of being in a place of safety, a country with freedom, a morning with food to eat. I thought that if one day all of these things are taken from me due to war or natural disaster type circumstances, I want to remember that I was grateful for the time I did have these luxuries, and didn't spend my time complaining about things that didn't really matter....like living near a waste water treatment plant that smells ;)

I really needed this refresher of sorts. I feel altered inside because of new knowledge. I feel like I have more tools to work with. I also know that I will have to continue to fill my mind with good knowledge and truth so that I can remember these things. I feel like my eyes have been opened to the good things around me, things I missed, people I ignored, values I gave little time to implement in my life.

I know that if I read this on someone else's site on a day I was struggling I might feel like slapping them, or thinking they were somehow different from me. But I do know that we create our own reality. I know that I create mine. The reason is this, circumstances in my life have not changed. I still have two children who are struggling with disablities, I still have debt and lot's of financial knowledge I am trying to learn, I still take medication for depression, but I'm changing, and in turn, my life will change as well. I will not be a victim of "fate, or circumstances."

Happy first day of spring yesterday!

2007-03-21T07:40:00.000-06:00

No one is writing on their blogs. I know what this means...spring fever! Yay!

Cute

2007-03-01T11:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Gracie and I were sitting in the car listening to music on the ipod while we waited for Gabe to come out of the school. She wanted to hear something with violins playing in the song. I found a nocturne by Chopin and pressed play. Gracie climbed into my lap and started pretending to play the violin. Then she wanted me to play violin while she played the piano. She asked what the name of the song was and I told her it was a nocturne by Frederic Chopin. She turned to me and said, "Okay, I'll be Chopin and you be Frederic."

parental ramblings

2007-02-28T14:58:00.000-07:00

I'm fried. Deep fried. Gabe started today at his new preschool for children with Autism. He goes from 8:00 am to 2:15 pm. His teacher thought it would be a pretty rough first day. Some of the ways they work with him at the school are amazing ideas, ones I had never known to try at home. I kinda felt bad as she told me of the ways they kind of push the kids to do things they normally refuse to do. I realized that I had babied Gabe and gave in to a lot of his behaviors. I don't completely blame myself because I know that for a lot of time I was in survival mode with Gabe's Autistic behaviors. I also didn't know that I was enabling him in some of those things. Though he had many therapists, none of them made suggestions as to how I would deal with the screaming, massively picky appetite, etc.

The good news is that Gabe actually had a much better day than his teacher anticipated. He even actually ate some bites of spaghetti at lunch and a bite of pear and peach. This is monumental. Still can hardly believe it. All he usually eats is bland, white or brown foods. She said he did well. I was happy. I know I have a lot of things I need to implement at home. We stopped including him at dinner because he just got out of his seat, or screamed or threw his food off the table, or spit it out so it was easier just to not make dinner such a nightmare for all by letting him do his own thing at dinner time. I know I need to try to include him using the school's advice and techniques. I guess that I see how much I need to start doing and it is a bit overwhelming. To know that so much of the way he works through some of these behaviors and overcomes them is dependent on me. It feels heavy and daunting.
The thing about having a child with Autism is that people expect you to be an expert. Though I have spent hours upon hours researching, there are still so many unknowns. There is always a new experience, and no manual for how to deal with it. For instance, every child with Autism is different. They have different characteristics. Researchers and doctores don't really know the cause, so the treatments are mostly experimental.

In other news of the day, after seeing Gracie with me twice today and the way she runs away, gets over-emotional, defiant etc. Gabe's teacher asked if I had thought of having Gracie assessed for her behavioral issues. I said that I had, in fact it has been on my mind a lot lately. She struggles so much with authority. I'm often called into primary to help her teachers "deal" with her emotionality and defiance. She also almost got kicked out of her last preschool for her anger problems and not ever listening. Gabe's teacher is going to set up an assesment to see if they can get her approved to get into a special ed preschool there so they can work with her on those social/behavioral issues. I'm happy because I know that I need outside help. But I come home and all I can think is, wow, I've got a lot of work to do, my parenting skills must be a lot worse than I thought. And yet, I know that I have taken parenting classes, and child development, and read tons of literature on discipline techniques for kids and worked to implement them at home. So why do I suck so much. I know I'm not strict enough with Gracie. I allow her to manipulate me often because I'm tired and I just don't want to deal with disciplining her and the struggle that will ensue. I guess I just feel like I'm working so hard and yet still failing as a parent. I know this isn't true, and I will not give in to those thoughts. I'm grateful for the opportunities God has put in my way to help me learn and have the tools I need to help my children.

After writing all this out I realize that I am a good parent. I have weaknesses but all parents do. After all, I am not expected to have perfect parenting skills. If I am expecting that of myself, then I have unrealistic expectations. Already this afternoon as I have adopted some of the things I learned at Gabe's school into his routine I see him doing some incredible things and using lot's of language. Interesting how something that is such a blessing in the beginning felt like it was just pointing out all my own weaknesses and I felt depressed about it. I'm sure God doesn't see it that way at all because he has, "perspective." I know the same thing will happen with Gracie and that through others learning and knowledge, God will show me how to raise this young, beautiful and independent spirit in a way that will benefit her and teach her the skills to be successful in society. Sigh...I feel better after all this emotional vomit ;) I think I just had a mini therapy session with my blog. Cool.

I love music

2007-02-21T22:06:00.000-07:00

Somedays
driving down the road
you hear a song; it comes by surprise.
James Taylor's Fire and Rain .

a dark February day is infused with light.

Life is not all joy all the time for anyone. But there are moments in life, brief portions of time, when we are lifted out of the dullness of life. It is these moments strung together, and reflection upon them that urges me forward in living.

"When"

2007-02-15T16:11:00.000-07:00

In a movie about the life of C.S. Lewis called, "Shadowlands" there is a young man who says, "We read to know we are not alone." I read this poem today and instantly felt a connection to this author. It was comforting.

When

In February there are days,
Blue, and nearly warm,
When horses switch their tails and ducks
Go quacking through the farm.
When everything turns round to feel
The sun upon its back-
When winter lifts a little bit
And spring peeks through the crack.

~Dorothy Aldis

A breath of fresh air!

2007-02-12T16:01:00.000-07:00

I've been watching Barak Obama speeches and reading some of his work lately and find a lot of it refreshing. I don't necessarily agree with every ideology he has, but I agree with his honesty, sincerity, and reverence for this country. I'm impressed with him.

Here are some parts from his speech announcing that he will run for President which inspired me.

"The genius of our founders is that they designed a system of government that can be changed. And we should take heart, because we've changed this country before. In the face of tyranny, a band of patriots brought an Empire to its knees. In the face of secession, we unified a nation and set the captives free. In the face of Depression, we put people back to work and lifted millions out of poverty. We welcomed immigrants to our shores, we opened railroads to the west, we landed a man on the moon, and we heard a King's call to let justice roll down like water, and righteousness like a mighty stream.
Each and every time, a new generation has risen up and done what's needed to be done. Today we are called once more - and it is time for our generation to answer that call.

What's stopped us from meeting ... challenges is not the absence of sound policies and sensible plans. What's stopped us is the failure of leadership, the smallness of our politics - the ease with which we're distracted by the petty and trivial, our chronic avoidance of tough decisions, our preference for scoring cheap political points instead of rolling up our sleeves and building a working consensus to tackle big problems.
For that is our unyielding faith - that in the face of impossible odds, people who love their country can change it.

And as people have looked away in disillusionment and frustration, we know what's filled the void. The cynics, and the lobbyists, and the special interests who've turned our government into a game only they can afford to play. They write the checks and you get stuck with the bills, they get the access while you get to write a letter, they think they own this government, but we're here today to take it back. The time for that kind of politics is over. It's time to turn the page.

But Washington has a long way to go. And it won't be easy. That's why we'll have to set priorities. We'll have to make hard choices. And although government will play a crucial role in bringing about the changes we need, more money and programs alone will not get us where we need to go. Each of us, in our own lives, will have to accept responsibility - for instilling an ethic of achievement in our children, for adapting to a more competitive economy, for strengthening our communities, and sharing some measure of sacrifice. So let us begin. Let us begin this hard work together. Let us transform this nation.

I know there are those who don't believe we can do all these things. I understand the skepticism. After all, every four years, candidates from both parties make similar promises, and I expect this year will be no different. All of us running for president will travel around the country offering ten-point plans and making grand speeches; all of us will trumpet those qualities we believe make us uniquely qualified to lead the country. But too many times, after the election is over, and the confetti is swept away, all those promises fade from memory, and the lobbyists and the special interests move in, and people turn away, disappointed as before, left to struggle on their own.
That is why this campaign can't only be about me. It must be about us - it must be about what we can do together. This campaign must be the occasion, the vehicle, of your hopes, and your dreams. It will take your time, your energy, and your advice - to push us forward when we're doing right, and to let us know when we're not. This campaign has to be about reclaiming the meaning of citizenship, restoring our sense of common purpose, and realizing that few obstacles can withstand the power of millions of voices calling for change."

ABOVE FREEZING!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-02-05T20:36:00.000-07:00

Today for the first time in what feels like a month of extremely cold weather it was above freezing! In fact, not only was it above freezing...it was in the mid forties! It was a completely unexpected present for me since I had stopped watching the weather report out of frustration. I went outside to take out the trash and whoa...my ears didn't feel frozen! I actually got to take the kids outside to play and they LOVED it! We played on the playground at our new apartment complex and rode and walked all around the walking trails that weave in between the apartments. All I can say is that I never knew forty-three degrees could feel so fabulous!

life alive

2007-01-12T12:26:00.000-07:00

Seasonal Affective Disorder

I like
Life alive

not winter time.

so cold
can't feel the sun on my arms
white everywhere
eyes starved for color.

A True Hero.

2006-12-12T11:09:00.000-07:00

I was going to their website today when I saw that he passed away. This man was amazing. Even with all the craziness in this world, there are so many people who live their lives like heroes. God bless you Dr. Rimland.

Bernard Rimland, 78; author was the father of modern autism research
By Thomas H. Maugh II LATimes Staff Writer
November 26, 2006

Bernard Rimland, the San Diego research psychologist widely considered the father of modern autism research, died Tuesday at a care facility in El Cajon after a prolonged battle against prostate cancer. He was 78.
Rimland's 1964 book "Infantile Autism: The Syndrome and Its Implications for a Neural Theory of Behavior," demolished the generally held view that autism was the psychological byproduct of "refrigerator mothers" - cold, unfeeling women who forced their children to withdraw into a protective shell of indifference.
He concluded instead that the disorder, characterized by poor language skills and an inability to handle social relations, was the result of a fundamental biochemical defect underlain, perhaps, by defective genes but ultimately triggered by environmental assaults.
Rimland was among the first to conclude that the United States was undergoing an epidemic of autism, one that increased the incidence of the disorder from a rare one case in several thousand births to the current government-accepted rate of one in every 175 children.
He concluded that mercury in vaccines was the primary culprit in this increase and led a vociferous campaign among parents to have the heavy metal - used to kill contaminating bacteria - removed from the vaccines. The campaign had only limited success, in part because governmental and medical authorities disagreed with his conclusion.
Rimland was also a forceful advocate for intensive behavioral therapy for autistic children, a therapy that many claim has restored their children to normality.
Along the way, he founded the Autism Society of America, the largest parent-based autism organization in the country, with more than 100,000 members and supporters and 200 local chapters.
"I consider Dr. Rimland the 'grand godfather' of the movement for the understanding of the biological treatment of autism," Dr. Jaquelyn McCandless wrote in her book "Children with Starving Brains: A Medical Treatment Guide for Autism Spectrum Disorder."
Added Lee Grossman, president and chief executive officer of the Autism Society, "No one has done more for autism than our founder, Bernie, and all in the autism community have been profoundly touched and have benefited through his decades of passion and dedication to our cause."
That was not the career path he had planned.
Bernard Rimland was born Nov. 15, 1928, in Cleveland. The family moved to San Diego when he was 12 so his father could take a wartime metalworking job with Convair. He immediately fell in love with the city.
"Cleveland had been muggy and dirty," he recalled in an interview. "I got here and said, 'This is heaven. I'm never leaving.' "
He earned an undergraduate degree and a master's in psychology at San Diego State University before leaving the state briefly to obtain a doctorate at Pennsylvania State University.
He married Gloria Belle Alf, the sister of a childhood friend, in 1951, two years before receiving his doctoral degree. After his graduation, the couple returned to San Diego, where he took a position with the personnel measurement research department at the Point Loma Naval Station.
Their life changed dramatically with the birth of their son Mark in 1956. Mark was a difficult, nearly unmanageable child. When Mark was 2, Rimland used one of his wife's college textbooks to diagnose him as autistic - a diagnosis soon confirmed by their pediatrician.
Despite his doctorate in psychology, Rimland had never heard of autism before, and he plunged into the scientific literature. The medical community, based largely on the work of behavioral scientist Bruno Bettelheim, still blamed mothers for the disorder.
Knowing that his wife was not cold and distant, Rimland began looking for an alternative explanation, visiting libraries throughout the country, interviewing doctors and taking copious notes.
"When I started my quest, autism was no less than an obsession," he later wrote. "I quickly read everything I could find on the subject and hungered for more. This was war."
After five years of research, he had a massive stack of papers. His wife told him he didn't have a research paper but a book. The 1964 book was initially ignored by the medical establishment but was highly popular with psychology students.
More important, it was a hit with parents of autistic children, and they soon began bombarding him with letters and phone calls. After a full day of work for the Navy, he would spend evenings and weekends responding to the inquiries.
"So many parents have stories about calling him and talking for two or three hours," Grossman said. "He always had encouraging remarks, and he always had very good advice."
In 1967, he started what is now known as the Autism Research Institute, which still resides in a modest storefront on Adams Avenue in the Kensington area of San Diego. The office is stacked with books, newsletters, videos, boxes of research papers and piles of correspondence.
After he retired from the Navy 23 years ago, Rimland spent all his time in the office, except for the weeks he traveled the world, preaching the gospel of autism research and therapy. The official office hours were 8 a.m. to noon, but Rimland was there afternoons, evenings and weekends, talking to parents, writing reports, organizing conferences, working on books and answering the questions of reporters.
On one wall of the office is a poster for the Oscar-winning film "Rain Man," which highlighted autism for a public that was largely unaware of the disorder. Rimland served as a technical advisor for the film, and Dustin Hoffman modeled his performance, in part, on Mark Rimland.
The papers "truly represent one man's life work," Grossman said. "If he had any other interests, other than his family, he never talked about it."
In addition to his wife, Rimland is survived by his son Mark, now a well-known artist; another son, Paul; and a daughter, Helen.

Fistula in Africa

2006-11-14T13:03:00.000-07:00

I read an article online today that is in Newsweek magazine this week. It was about a condition affecting thousands of women in Southern Africa. It is called Fistula. Many cases happen because of brutal, violent rape and sexual assault or days and days of being in labor and needing a c-section but not having access to medical care. The result is a rupture of the walls that separate the vagina and bladder or rectum. These women end up losing all control of their bladder and often times bowels. They are stigmatized and husbands and family often disown or leave them because of the shame and smell. The following is a link to the newsweek article.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15704030/site/newsweek/

I also found another site that is called www.endfistula.org which makes awesome efforts to spread the word and collect donations to pay for the operations. In US dollars it only costs $300 to pay for one operation, post operative care and follow-up support. In the Newsweek article they said, "Many more cases take place in the interior where aid workers still haven't reached. When Doctor Mukwege sent a mobile team under U.N. protection to the village of Nzingu, the group was prepared to treat 200 rape victims. Instead, 1,400 women came forward asking for medical help.

This shocked and touched me to the core today. I thought, "how can I ever feel sorry for myself?" Proper perspective has a way of slapping you in the face sometimes. I am so inspired by these strong women who face unimaginable adversity and live to tell their story. I am repeatedly amazed at the strength of women.

I don't know why I am here in this life situation and not that one, but I want to be so much more grateful for where I am and what I have.

2006-11-08T15:38:00.000-07:00

I'm 25 years old and have some gray hairs. I used to carefully pluck them out one by one...in a frenzie of denial. ;) Then today I had to realize they are continuing to grow and not go away even after the continuous plucking. This disheartens me...because my hair is something I love. You know how you have one part of you that you like- whether it's your eyes, hair, legs, whatever. Mine is my hair. I have never colored my hair besides some streaks in high school that grew out. I love the color of my hair and I'm afraid if I color it it will end up looking all different and not as good, then there is maintenance of hair color... and some times your hair starts to feel like straw...man...

Or I could just let them grow out and have some silvers mixed in with my hair, I just had hoped that wouldn't be happening in my twenties. Vain I know. At least I have a sister who is a beautician...I was just hoping I would't have to go so soon...cause I'm scared:( Any advice?

2006-11-06T22:34:00.000-07:00

O Savior, Thou Who Wearest a Crown

O Savior, thou who wearest
A crown of piercing thorn,
The pain thou meekly bearest,
Weigh'd down by grief and scorn.
The soldiers mock and flail thee;
For drink they give thee gall;
Upon the cross they nail thee
To die, O King of all.

No creature is so lowly,
No sinner so depraved,
But feels thy presence holy,
And thru thy love is saved.
Tho craven friends betray thee,
They feel thy love's embrace;
The very foes who slay thee
Have access to thy grace.

Thy sacrifice transcended
The mortal law's demand;
Thy mercy is extended
To ev'ry time and land.
No more can Satan harm us,
Tho long the fight may be,
Nor fear of death alarm us;
We live, O Lord, thru thee.

What praises can we offer
To thank thee, Lord most high?
In our place thou didst suffer;
In our place thou didst die,
By heaven's plan appointed,
To ransom us, our King.
O Jesus, the anointed,
To thee our love we bring!

~Karen Lynn Davidson

I first learned of this beautiful song when I was in college. A young man who also served as the organist at church played this hymn. He later shared his testimony of Jesus Christ's love for all as he quoted a line from the second verse which says, "The very foes who slay thee, have access to thy grace." I will never forget how those words touched me. I will always love this hymn because of that experience.
I wanted to post this because my friend Acacia inspired me with her posting of, "The Living Christ" a testimony of Christ written by the apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints on her blog. She inspired me, and reminded me of the great love and gratitude I have for my Savior. I wanted to share that here because this blog encompasses all of who I am, and Jesus Christ is a huge part of my life. He is my truest friend, always there for me no matter what. It has been His example and influence which has molded me and created everything that is good within me. It has been His grace which has lifted me from the mires of life and the pains of death. I am truly grateful to Him. I testify of His reality, His love for all, and that He gave His life and suffered all things so we could return to our Father in Heaven. I love Him because He first loved me.

Tree hugger

2006-11-03T11:27:00.000-07:00

Here is me hugging a tree in Logan, Utah:) YAY!

The Bluebird Photo :)

2006-10-30T19:50:00.000-07:00

The Blue Bird Cafe, Ogden Cemetary & Playdough Ice Cream

2006-10-26T22:14:00.000-06:00

Today October 26, 2006 marks eleven years since my mom died. Every year I let the date pass usually without thinking much of it and my sister might mention it to me but I don't dwell on the thoughts of the past.This year however since Traci and I both live in Utah now we decided to do something on October 26th. First we were going to go to the cemetary, but then we thought it might be fun to go somewhere that gave us a good memory of our mom. When we lived in Utah my mom took us up to Logan and Bear Lake on a mini vacation. Logan Utah is an adorable quaint college town with a great old main street. Mom took us to this great old fashioned soda fountain called the Blue Bird Cafe. They have a long counter with cushioned barstools and it is so fun. Traci and I decided that this is where we should go.

We left at 10:00 am and drove for two hours, smiling and crying and discussing memories. When we started driving I had this feeling inside like I didn't want to go and I wanted to just forget it all. It was out of my comfort zone to go and celebrate my mom and think about her death and life. I'm much more comfortable thinking about things by myself or writing about my thoughts. I felt like I was rebelling against a part of me that wanted to hide everything and store it up inside forever. I began to talk to my sister and these feelings came out. I realized thatI was angry. Everything inside me was saying, "why are you doing this, you don't even know who your mom was; it's been so long and you were just a kid and never really got to know her." I also had developed a hardness in my mind towards her because I couldn't remember her being very affectionate to me, and she often was unable to attend events which were important to me because of her illness. Without me even knowing, I had harbored these feelings and thoughts like, "She didn't really care about you, or love you, she couldn't ever give you what you needed; she never had enough to give." I cried as I said these things. There was a bitterness.Then a flood of memories began. We remembered how she used to take us to all kinds of places like museums and canyons and parks and pumpkin patches and lakes and wonderful places. She would try to teach us how to cook and bake little loaves of bread. She made homeade raspberry jam and fresh homeade wheat bread all the time. She read us The Secret Garden and laughed at our silly jokes. She decorated gingerbread houses with us and talked with us and took us on mini vacations. Then it dawned on me that she was loving me through those things, showing me affection through those things. I realized that I show love to my own daughter in those same ways, by sharing beautiful things with her. I cook with Gracie and I love taking her new places and showing her wonderful beautiful things. It's a way I show my love. I realized that my mom gave me so much love in the way that she knew how. She gave what she had to give. I realized that those thoughts in my head were lies and that I was truly, truly loved. I healed a little more today. I greived the loss of what she couldn't give, but remembered the beautiful gifts that she did give.

We made it to the Blue Bird where we had lunch. Afterwards we walked to an old book store that specialized in selling old and out of print books. We browsed the books and then walked back to the car through the masses of maple leaves covering the ground. I told her we needed to document our trip and since I have been going on and on about trees lately, she took a picture of me hugging a tree:) Afterwards we drove about an hour and stopped in Ogden on our way home. Ogden is where both of our parents are buried. We walked over and looked at the headstones. I didn't feel much. For some weird reason all I could think about was the many many bodies under my feet decomposing. I was thinking about what it would look like to see the cemetary three dimensionally and look at all the caskets across the expanse of grass. Maybe this is morbid, I know I was supposed to be feeling sad, or thinking about my parents or something...that is the protocol, but it just wasn't there. I don't connect them with the grave. In my minds eye they are spirits living in heaven. But the grave is a good memorial to them. I just think cemetaries are kind of strange places, not creepy, just strange. Maybe some would think this is insensitive, but everyone grieves in their own way, and believe me I have my own ways.

We stopped at Farr's ice cream shop in Ogden and had this delicious ice cream called Playdough. It looks like you took all the colors of playdough and put them together in a big ball. It tastes like bubblegum ice cream, kind of like black cherry or almond extract...not quite sure, but it was good. We listened to a 60s &70s radio station all the way home and jammed out to some great songs-one of them was Billy Joel's "Movin' Out" which was fitting seeing as how mom was always playing her Billy Joel tape in the van. All in all it was a good experience. I'm grateful for the many parts of me that I get from my mom. I'm grateful to be a mom and be able to give affection and teach the joy of life to my children. Thanks mom.

Old Growth forest- Columbia Gorge, Oregon

2006-10-24T22:00:00.000-06:00

Wow, that to me is paradise...and Life growing everywhere!

Redwoods

2006-10-24T21:45:00.000-06:00

I love trees. I've always loved trees but ever since living in this new neighborhood where the only trees near me are saplings I've rremembered how much I really love trees. Maybe I like them because they represent life and color and they are beautiful.

When I was about six or seven my family took a vacation up the coast of California and Oregon. We stopped at the Redwood forest. I only remember it because of the photos we have. But I've always been enchanted by those giant trees. I want to go back so badly! I hope to plan a trip to go there in the next few years.

The Scarlet Letter

2006-10-21T12:06:00.000-06:00

A few days ago I finished reading The Scarlet Letter for the first time. I liked the book. Sometimes I felt like the author strayed from the storyline into long explanations of different ideas. Most of the time I didn't mind, but sometimes I wanted him to move along. I felt that he often wrote poetically and I liked his style. It was an older style and full of words long out of use in our society ;)

I think perhaps the thing that struck me the most about this book was the way they viewed sin and repentance. There was such self-imposed harshness, with a lack of reliance on the atonement of Christ. Instead of utilizing the gift of forgiveness, they allowed themselves to be the judge and tried to pay for the sin themselves. This was extremely sad to me because it seemed to nullify the the whole purpose of the atonement. I felt grateful that I had been taught that we must repent and that it is important to have Godly sorrow for your sins; however, we are not responsible to punish ourselves. When we do this we are ignoring the meaning of Christ's atonement. Jesus Christ suffered for our sins so that when we repented, it would be enough. He took upon himself the suffering for our sins so that we would not be stuck forever in our sins. He created a way for us to come back to Father in Heaven. I find it amazing that much of Puritanic society lost this principle. They wanted things to be pure and Godly, so much so that they often forced people to righteousness with fear. Did they not read the bible and remember the Savior's reactions to publicans and sinners? But just as that happened then, it happens now too. We are afraid to reach out to the sinner for fear the residue of their sin will infect us. We are less eager to forgive those whose sins are easy to see, as though we have a right to withhold our forgivness because of the seriousness of their sin. We wish to inflict our own justice upon them, forgetting that Christ bought and paid for them. He paid the creditor himself and now He and only He sets the terms for repayment.

Someone once said that if the sin of immorality bore the smell of cigarette smoke, we would amazed at the smell in our church meetings. It is not in our jurisdiction to measure one sin against another, or one sinner against another.

Temple

2006-10-06T10:57:00.000-06:00

Two nights ago I went to the Salt Lake temple for the first time. It was so beautiful. This was my experience.

Tonight I was a princess in my Father's house.
Dressed in White
enveloped in peace.
The world knew not,
but my Father did.
He imparted so freely
of His love.
I thought my heart would burst
open
and my cheeks flood with tears
of relief,
from pain of life and days
now swallowed up in Him.

2006-09-20T19:29:00.000-06:00

1. FIRST NAME? Kelli

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My middle name is after my grandma Catherine or as we called her “Catie”

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Yesterday

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Peppered turkey

5.DO YOU HAVE ANY KIDS? 2 Gabe & Gracie

6. WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yeah, cause I’m nice ;)

7. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Basically my blog is my journal of sorts.

8. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? When the occasion calls for it ;)

9. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes

10. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No thanks

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Golden Grahams

12. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No

13. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? When people tell me I am. Sometimes I feel strong
on my own…other times weak

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Chocolate Chip cookie dough

15. SHOE SIZE? 7 or 71/2

16. RED OR PINK? Pink!

17. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My insecurities

18. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Long term…my parents and grandpa. Short term…my friend Sabrina

19. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Well, I was only going to
send it back to the person who sent it to me ;) but maybe not

20. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Jeans…nude shoes…(bare feet)

21. LAST THING YOU ATE? Oranges

22.WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The sound of a fan.

23. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Shocking Pink

24. FAVORITE SMELL? The smell at night after the fields have been burning, in the fall. Don’t
get that anymore since moving away from Idaho L

25. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Garrett (my brother)

26. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Charm & intellect

27. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Yeah, she’s been a good friend to me.

28. FAVORITE DRINK? Root Beer

29. FAVORITE SPORTS? I don’t like to watch sports on TV but live is always fun and I love to play volleyball and basketball.

30. HAIR COLOR? Light brown with some auburn in the sunshine

31. EYE COLOR? Blue

32. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Yes

33. FAVORITE FOOD? I LOVE bread in its many delicious forms! It is the staff of my food life!

34. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy Ending.

35. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Black

36. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs first followed by kisses

37. FAVORITE DESSERT? Ice cream is great and so are Pepperidge farm Brussels cookies. I hate trying to choose just one.

40. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Neverending Story & Book of Mormon & intermittently- City of Joy

41. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Gray

42. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? No cable

43. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Kids laughing and playing outside or rain

44. ROLLING STONE OR BEATLES? Beatles

45. FURTHEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN FROM HOME? Washington DC or Florida whichever was furthest.

46. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I’m double jointed in my toes whoo! I can win over the heart of just about any elderly person. Probably cause I just love em.

47. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? In the lovely month of May in California

Hope

2006-09-16T09:56:00.000-06:00

I've kind of been in a depression this past week. I felt like the pains of life were sucking the life out of me. I've always been a positive person, I love beauty and find joy in life. I have bouts of depression but when you are depressed and you feel like that positive person that makes up who you really are is being sucked out, like...picture the dementors on Harry Potter sucking it out, it makes you even more depressed. You wonder, what is happening to me, I'm becoming a shell. When Mike, Acacia and kids came over the other night it had been a particulary rough day. We all sat together on the couches discussing deep ideas and thoughts on particular points of our religion. I was mostly quiet. As they discussed these things, I thought to myself, "how can I think about these things, right now I'm just trying to get through the day." But, they stuck with me inside. I pondered them. I had a deposit of hope.

Yesterday my mother in law, the kids and me went to the mall. She wanted to buy me some new curtains and get me out of the hosue. Then when we came home she took Gracie to her house and Gabe went down for a nap. I started up at the dishes in the kitchen sink. I opened the window to a pretty good storm outside. I put on some violin music and thought. I had remembrances of my blessings this week, even when life was low. I felt grateful. I felt inspired. I made wheat bread. ;) LOL But I didn't stop there. I thought we were low on food till I looked in the pantry and came up with ten meal ideas I could make with just what we had. I realized that because I have knowledge to create, I felt empowered. I made black bean soup and made homemade tortilla chips. The wheat bread was good. I felt peace through creating. President Faust in a talk that I love called, "Hope, the anchor of our souls" said,

"You either live in hope, or you live in despair." I can't live in despair. I can't allow that hope to be sucked from my soul. Even if it is a struggle to find the hope, it is worth looking for.

I love you my son

2006-09-08T13:11:00.000-06:00

The past two weeks have been hard. I could write about the things I've been through with Gabe, but it would take too long and I'm too tired to write it all. There are times when the road of Autism is such a lonely one. A lot of people have no idea what it's really like. I didn't have a clue before this past year. Jeremy has been on his off shift days this past week so he has been home to see things as they really are. Last night he finally broke down. He had said in the past that he had accepted Gabe's autism, but never really allowed himself to grieve the loss of what would have been. It has to happen because until it does, you will not be able to move forward. Many physicians say that people go through a regular "grieving process" with Autism-I'm sure with any disabilities. You have the shock, the denial, the anger, the sorrow and eventually comes the peace. I read these couple of paragraphs today on the Autism Society website. They perfectly summed up what I've been going through.

Stress - something parents in general are all too familiar with. There is the physical stress from carpools, preparing meals, shopping, making sure your kids get their homework done, and so on. This is compounded by such psychological stressors as, parent-child conflicts, not having enough time to complete responsibilities, and concerns regarding a child's well-being. When a family has a child diagnosed with autism, a whole new set of unique stressors are added.

Sources of Stress for ParentsBehaviors and Deficits of Autism. Research indicates that parents of children with autism experience greater stress than parents of children with mental retardation and Down Syndrome. (Holroyd & McArthur, 1976; Donovan, 1988). This may be a result of the distinct characteristics that individuals with autism exhibit. An individual with autism may not be able to express their basic wants or needs. Therefore, parents are left playing a guessing game. Is the child crying because he/she is thirsty, hungry, or sick? When the parent cannot determine their child's needs, both are left feeling frustrated. The child's frustration can lead to aggressive or self-injurious behaviors that threaten their safety and the safety of others (e.g. siblings). Stereotypical and compulsive behaviors often concern parents because they appear peculiar and interfere with functioning and learning.

A child's deficits in social skills, such as the lack of appropriate play, are also stressful for families. Individuals lacking appropriate leisure skills often require constant structure of their time, a task not feasible to accomplish in the home environment. Many families struggle with the additional challenges of getting their child to sleep through the night and everyone else's bedtime routines can be interrupted. Scheduled dinner times may not be successful due to the child's inability to sit appropriately for extended periods of time or lack of wanting to eat a wider variety of foods. All of these deficits and behaviors are physically exhausting for families and emotionally draining.Not to mention, maladaptive behaviors may prevent families from attending events together. For example, Mom might have to stay home while Dad takes the sibling to their soccer game. Not being able to do things as a family can impact the marital relationship. In addition, spouses often cannot spend time alone due to their extreme parenting demands and the lack of qualified staff to watch a child with autism in their absence.

Reactions from Society and Feelings of Isolation. When taking an individual with autism out into the community. People may stare, make comments or fail to understand any mishaps or behaviors that may occur. For example, individuals with autism have been seen taking a stranger's food right off their plate. As a result of these potential experiences, families often feel uncomfortable taking their child to the homes of friends or relatives. This makes holidays an especially difficult time for these families. Feeling like they cannot socialize or relate to others, parents of children with autism may experience a sense of isolation from their friends, relatives and community.

Feelings of Grief. Parents of children with autism are grieving the loss of the "typical" child that they expected to have. In addition, parents are grieving the loss of lifestyle that they expected for themselves and family. The feelings of grief that parents experience can be a source of stress due its ongoing nature. Current theories of grief suggest that parents of children with developmental disabilities experience episodes of grief throughout the life cycle as different events (e.g. birthdays, holidays, unending caregiving) trigger grief reactions (Worthington, 1994). Experiencing "chronic sorrow" is a psychological stressor that can be frustrating, confusing and depressing.

Sources of Stress for SiblingsThere are also potential sources of stress for siblings. Not all siblings will experience these issues, but here are some to be aware of:
Embarrassment around peers.
Jealousy regarding amount of time parents spend with their brother/sister
Frustration over not being able to engage or get a response from their brother/sister
Being the target of aggressive behaviors
Trying to make up for the deficits of their sibling with autism
Concern regarding their parents stress and grief

And yet, through all this I can still hear God's voice telling me that all is well. I still know that this is only a temporary condition. No matter how much progress he does or doesn't make in this life (and I have great hopes for him) one day he will be made whole again. And my family and I will have grown in compassion, love, patience and learned amazing things from this precious little boy. I love you my son.

Gabe & Autism info in the Newspaper!!!

2006-08-22T01:46:00.000-06:00

The local newspaper here in Tooele did an article on Autism and our support/ action group we have started. I was interviewed at their office when I dropped off some info for them from the group. Then later their photographer came to take photos of Gabe. he took a gorgeous photo of Gabe but you can't see it anymore on the link ;(
He also took a sweet shot of me sititng with Gabe tickling him. It was so neat to see my little sweet boy in the paper. It was so awesome for Autism awareness too. So many people have been educated just by that article alone. Gabes picture took up three quarters of tethe newspaper page. So when people saw this sweet little boy who looks normal, they wanted to read on to find out what Autism was all about. We also had a bunch of new people come to our meeting because of the article. So anyway, that was a pretty awesome experience for our family. Also, the school district has chosen one elementary school to have an Autism room in where they fcous on meeting the specific needs of autistic children. They will bus in kids who are autistic from whatever area they live in, within the district so they kids can have acess to the services. The've also hired two or three specialists in Autism. It's just so awesome to see things actually happening that you worked so hard for. I am so excited for all these moms...again...women/mothers are awesome!!!

Here is the link to the article:)
http://www.tooeletranscript.com/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=15593&Itemid=

Blurred vision

2006-08-04T11:48:00.000-06:00

Last night I was avoiding sleep because all I could think was, "I'm not a good mom." This is something I struggle with from time to time.

I didn't want to go to bed last night was because I was feeling like I was a sucky mom. Sometimes when I'm feeling bad about myself I just check out for a while. I was feeling like I don't do enough for Gabe and I'm not dedicated enough to helping him develop. Then this morning I woke up at a quarter to nine and just read from a family history book on my Grandma Catie's side for an hour and a half. Gracie came in and lay down with me for a bit then went downstairs to watch a movie. She made herself popcorn for breakfast. By the time I got Jer to wake up with me it was almost eleven and Gabe was still in his bed. Bry and Kate had come over unexpectedly to see us. Gracie was in her underwear downstairs eating popcorn for breakfast. I got up and found Gabe in his bed with a poopy diaper, which means the house really smelled. The house was totally messy because yesterday we were gone all day and came home and we were all tired. I felt like a piece of crap parent. Of course nobody comes over on the days when the house is looking great and I'm reading to my children or playing outside with them or whatever. What a battle to pull myself out of the mud and remember that it's not a clear reflection of who I am. It's a snapshot, and it doesn't tell the whole story.

I don't really want to post this on here for fear that people will read it and think this is what I am like everyday and I'm just a big freak. But when I started this blog I told myself that it would be like a journal and would be very candid. Sometimes I think when people are candid about the uglier parts of life, it helps others not to feel so alone or crazy. So there it is, ugly and human.

Glimpse of God's love.

2006-08-01T09:57:00.000-06:00

Last night I was cleaning the garage with the door open. It was drizzling outside. As the sun set the most beautiful scene appeared. Over to the east where the mountains are the sky turned indigo. The sun spread across the valley turning everything a beautiful gold color. Then a very bright full rainbow streching from North to south came out. It was a moment when I felt like I was experiencing pure joy from the beauty of God's creation. I was almost overwhelmed by the beauty of the picture before my eyes. My heart felt full of emotion. It was only to be a glimpse though. I wanted it to stay, it was so lovely. I knew it would all fade soon as the sun set and I felt a desire to capture it in my memory and remember it always. I don't know how many people actually saw that picture. I felt grateful to have seen the glimpse.

After the sun set and bright colors all faded away I thought of God. First I thought that the experience i had was similar to having a powerful spiritual experience. It's only something for you personally, but it is strong. You feel it and have a glorious moment and then you go back to life's trenches. But now as I recall the rainbow I think of God's love for me. God gave me an intense, fleeting glimpse of His love, and of eternity. If I was able to feel that amount of feeling and joy in this fallen world, what could possibly await in the Kingdom of our Father.

Nature has always been a way for me to feel the love of the Lord. I find immense joy in the beauty of the earth. I have a few precious snapshots in my mind of when I experienced such feelings of joy at a glimpse of a sunset, forest, rainbow, mountain view, waterfall...etc.
I'm writing all this at the risk of sounding totally cheesy, but I don't care because this is my blog and if people dont' want to read it, they don't have to:)
This was a meaningful experience to me and I wanted to record it.

Good friends are gold to me

2006-07-16T18:50:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I met with my old friend Maegan. We live near each other now. We haven't lived close to each other in nine years. The last time I saw her was three years ago. And yet, what can I say, we told stories and laughed, we talked, looked at old pictures and laughed, read journal entries and laughed some more. I had forgotten how much that friendship meant to me. It felt so good to remember. I wrote this poem to express my joy.

Good friends are gold to me,
laughter and memory precious.
When I think of close friends I was given,
I can't help but thank my God.
For those placed in my path, who gave me strength,
and drew from me as well.

Some days feel empty of those beloved.
Their existence almost extinguished
in my mind
by life's hardships.
Today God reminded me.

I am grateful.
It presses on my heart
and comes from my eyes as tears of gratitude,
and I think,
"God loves me".

support group

2006-07-12T12:28:00.000-06:00

In addition to about twenty other women, we have formed an autism support group for our area here. Our name is Action for Autism. Apparently the school systems in Tooele are quite uneducated on the subject. Many of the mothers that I met were so frustrated with the lack of services and qualified educators in the schools here. Yesterday we met for the second time and we prepared our proposal which we will take to the director of special education on Thursday. I'm kind of excited about the opportunity to be a part of laying the foundation for a good program to begin in the Tooele valley. Most of these moms are driving very far to special schools every day when they could have their kids in the schools here, if the programs for Autism were strengthened. It's been really helpful for me to talk to other parents of autistic children who are going through similar feelings, and experiences that I am. It has been amazing to see the incredible talent and drive coming out of these women in order to help their children. Mothers are amazing!

Autsim Info

2006-07-03T12:21:00.000-06:00

Many People know the word Autsim. When they hear the word they think of the movie, "Rain Man" or something else. Every Autistic person demonstrates different characteristics. For instance, my son does not bang his head against things but instead has other things he does such as finger flicking, staring at lights etc. Autism is not always easily discernable. I wanted to leave some clear info on my blog for anyone who would like to know specifics about this disorder. Mostly I want people to be educated on what Autism really is. Thanks for reading:)

The following is directly from the Utah Parent Center website:

"What is Autism?
The Autism Society of America defines autism as "a severely incapacitating lifelong developmental disability that typically appears during the first three years of life. The result of neurological disorder that affects functioning of the brain. Autism and its behavioral symptoms appear in approximately fifteen out of every 10,000 births. Autism is four times more common in boys than girls. It has been found throughout the world in families of all racial, ethnic, and social backgrounds. No known factors in the psychological environment of a child have been shown to cause autism".

What Causes Autism?
Medical researchers are exploring different explanations for the various forms of autism. Although one specific cause of autism is not known, current research links autism to biological or neurological differences in the brain. MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging) and PET (Positron Emission Tomography) scans show abnormalities in the structure of the brain, with significant differences within the cerebellum, including the size and number of Purkinje cells. In some families there appears to be a pattern of autism or related disabilities, which suggests there may be a genetic basis to the disorder, although at this time no one gene has been directly linked to autism. Several older theories about the cause of autism have been now proven false. Autism is not a mental illness. Children with autism are not unruly kids, who choose not to behave. Autism is not caused by bad parenting. Furthermore, no known psychological factors in the development of the child have been shown to cause autism.

What Are the Characteristics of Autism?
Children with autism often appear relatively normal in their development until the age of 24-30 months, when parents may notice delays in language, play, or social interaction.
There is no "medical" test, such as a blood test or X-ray, which can show who has autism and who does not. Autism is diagnosed when professionals familiar with the disorder spend time with a person to look at the way the person communicates with others, understands and responds to social interactions, and reacts to other things in the environment. People with autism often have:
Delayed or unusual language patterns.
Difficulty interacting socially with their peers.
Unusual and/or restricted interests and sensory responses.
The disorder makes it hard for them to communicate with others and relate to the outside world. They may exhibit repeated body movements (hand flapping, rocking), unusual responses to people or attachments to objects and resist any changes in routines. In some cases, aggressive and/or self-injurious behavior may be present.
Autism impacts the normal development of the brain in the areas of social interaction and communication skills. Children and adults with autism typically have difficulties in verbal and nonverbal communication, social interactions, and leisure or play activities."

Here I am

2006-06-30T11:46:00.000-06:00

Here I am today. We moved to Tooele, Utah. Jeremy works for Batelle as a chemist and we live in Utah. Crazy. I was afraid, but I actually like it here. WHen I lived in Utah before it was for three years of my life in Sandy. It was right after my dad died. Then in our second year of living here my mom got cancer. THey were really rough years. It has been good for me to come back here. We went to visit some old friends of my mom's in Draper which is right next to Sandy. Afterward we drove past two of my old houses. I showed Jeremy where I lived and went to school. It was a very strange experience. I cried angry tears the whole drive back to Tooele. I hated Sandy. I hated the dark piece of my life it represented. I was so angry that life sucked so bad while we lived there. Yes, there were some good times too, but the bad were pretty bad. I got a lot of emotion out, facing my demons so to speak. It was good for me. By the time I got home I actually felt somewhat better. So yes, I am glad I am here. I like Tooele too, it's different from Utah as I knew it before. It's set off apart from all the busy cities, situated between two mountain ranges, but the valley is small. The mountains make it beautiful. There are trees here too so it's not quite as deserty as I thought. Everything I need is pretty much on one strech of highway. It's a smaller size and a slower pace which works well for me. People are pretty friendly here. There are 752 people in my ward so that makes it a bit difficult to get to know people. Sometimes I feel like cattle on Sunday shuffling through but I'm feeling pretty happy here still.

2006-05-19T15:03:00.000-06:00

Jeremy is up in Spokane helping his parents get their house ready to rent out before they move. That leaves me and the kids home for a few days together. Thus far it hasn't been bad. Although I find that I have no desire to cook. Last night at the grocery store I found myself choosing foods that I would normally avoid because of their lack of nutritional value. I was getting "fun" foods for the kids and me to share. Why? because that's what you do when you are stuck at home with two young children...you eat junk food. It's cheap entertainment. Not only that, but I've been de-junking and cleaning the house...and enjoying it. That's odd. On top of everything else Gracie found the copy of the movie "Three Ninjas" that Jim left over here and I let her watch it even though it is probably the worst movie of all time. It really is awful.

Oh well, I've enjoyed the time with the kids though and we've had some fun together so that's good. I think we will go to the park today. Did I mention I backed into a fire hydrant a week ago? I did. Yeah, that pretty much sucked. Good thing for insurance though.

Oh me oh my Tooele

2006-05-06T15:11:00.000-06:00

Hmmm...Tooele, Utah. Well Jeremy went and applied for a job at Batelle in Utah. They flew him down last Tuesday for an interview. It looks like we will probably get the job. I'm ready for change. I didn't know if I would be okay with moving to Utah. I lived there for three years once and never wanted to go back. But there are a lot of things there that I love...like the mountains. I am excited to take my kids to a lot of fun places too. And I will admit that the prospect of making money instead of borrowing sounds good too. Jeremy graduates a week from today. It feels kind of surreal, kind of like I almost didn't believe that we would actually get something out of all this struggle. But alas, we are going to Tooele? I don't care, I can make my life wherever I want. I can go against the grain. I can be me. I don't have to be a trendy cookie cutter and watch too much TLC and think I'm an interior designer and paint my walls really ugly colors. I can teach my kids to live their religion by their heart and not by culture can't I? I want to have a better experience there than I did before. I think I will. I'm obviously not as impressionable now as I was when I lived there from age 11-13 ;)

I'm so happy for summer. I feel so much more alive when I can go outside and feel the sun on my face and arms. I'm excited to live near some good friends in Utah and family too.

To new beginnings...Cheers!

wow, anxiety

2006-04-21T11:35:00.000-06:00

I have been having a lot of anxiety lately. The kind where your heart is beating very fast and if you get emotional you begin to hyperventilate. The kind where you feel like you are going to throw up and your skin has a burning feeling all over. Jeremy finally coaxed me to go to the doctor. I didn't want to go because I felt like I was a freak for having anxiety. I didn't want to go and tell some doctor who I didn't know about my personal problems. But I swallowed my pride or fear or whatever and went. The doctor upped my prozac to 40 milligrams and gave me a small prescription for attavan for rare times if I feel like I am having a panic attack and can't get it under control.

Lot's of life stress lately causing this. However, I have been dealing with anxiety since I was twelve years old. I remember the feelings and my mom taking me to the doctor. The oh so talented doctor told my mom (in front of me) that I was trying to get attention. Nice huh? OH well. I usually can keep it under control by getting plenty of sleep, eating well, exercizing and avoiding particularly stressful situations. But life doesn't always allow for all of that. Lately there have been a lot of high stress situations with Jeremy getting ready to graduate and looking for jobs and trying to figure out where I will need to get services for my son. Jeremy is still kind of recovering from not getting accepted to medical school. He worked so hard and it was a big blow to him. The list goes on. But I am feeling better today. My tulips bloomed...the ones I planted myself last year. They are the first flowers I ever planted myself and watched bloom...ahh...the fruits of my labors:)

Small victories are beautiful

2006-04-11T23:51:00.000-06:00

Today Gabe brought me into the kitchen wanting something. He took me over to the cupboard where I usually get him a cracker from. He got the package of graham crackers from the counter and held them out to me. I did as I always do, asking him, "Gabe, what do you want?" hoping he will say something. His one word response that he did learn (his best word) to that question was "open" but today when I asked the question he looked down and said, "ckkrr"! This is a big deal! This is a victory. Everyday he is progressing so much. I was practically jumping up and down when he said that. I was so excited that I took the crackers and ran over to Jeremy to tell him. Gabe started to cry because I took the crackers with me ;) Anyway, it was awesome.
Small victories are beautiful!

2006-04-04T23:48:00.000-06:00

wanting so much
praying so hard,
expending all of me
My mind thinks
ro reach all my goals, this next hour
or my life is mispent.
Good things help me remember
what I am,
help me stop,
to think and slow my circus.
My tulips are growing.
I hear a folk guitar solo,
then a little fiddle.
It makes me smile.
I'll do a little more tomorrow.

More happiness revolution

2006-03-23T21:42:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking over the concept of happiness lately. Sometimes I just have to seek it out, otherwise I melt away into the sinkholes of life's misery. I've walked the path of depression and anxiety...still walk it from time to time. There are just some things in my life that I've experienced which have left me a emotionally frail. Although I have a lot of ups and downs and some days are better than others, I cannot deny that God has given me a precious gift to appreciate beauty and life and find joy therein.

Today I was driving Gabe to the psychologist's office and I had this idea to smile the whole way there. I was listening to Poncho Sanchez (Afro-Cuban Jazz) and I just started grinning away. As I passed other drivers on the opposite side I tried to make eye contact and smile. No one ever smiles when they are driving. Then the thought of someone seeing me doing this and thinking I was totally weird made me smile even more and laugh a little too. By the time I reached the office I was feeling good. Later I was at the grocery store with Gabe. We were passing the bakery when I looked over and noticed a young woman hard at work decorating a cake. I thought to myself that the cake looked really nice and that she was talented. I swallowed my social discomfort and said, "The cake looks beautiful." She looked up, smiled genuinely, and said, "thankyou." I wondered how often bakery people are thanked for the beautiful work they do. We just come in the store and purchase, never thinking of the creative energy or talent that went into our baked good. I pushed my cart away and felt happiness.

Later Gabe fell asleep in the front of the cart and I was trying to check out but his head was leaning agains the metal. He was out cold. The checker offered me some clean hand towels to put under his head to prop it up. Then she told me to just keep them and I could bring them back later. I appreciated her thoughtfulness. THEN...after I unloaded my groceries the woman next to me who had just unloaded hers said, "Can I take your cart for you since you've got a child with you?" I felt joy today in the goodness and thoughtfulness of people. I want to be a revolutionary in the battle for happiness. Some may scoff at this or call it "pollyanna-like" positive thinking, even simplistic. That's okay. I figure I can either tread water, or just sink to the bottom

Happiness Revolution

2006-03-22T23:27:00.000-07:00

When I make dinner I like to listen to NPR because it makes the time pass more quickly, plus I get caught up with sometimes very interesting news. For instance, today I learned that the most popular class to take right now at Harvard is a psych class on how to be happy. The professor talked about creating a happiness revolution. He said to figure out what really makes you happy and to go after it. Obviously one has to think long term here because some things that make you "happy" are the short-lived happiness kinds of things. He also said that the biggest piece of advice he could give, citing Thorough and the Dali lama was to SIMPLIFY. I love this. This isn't a new concept for me, but one that I'm always trying to implement. The professor said he decided to give up going for tenure because he didn't want to publish (a requirement). He wants to teach because that's what he loves.

Sometimes we complicate our lives, entwining ourselves into things until at one point we look at ourselves and say, "what happened, and how did I get here. This isn't what I wanted!" Maybe if we start out knowing exactly what it is that makes us happy (long term) and get a solid idea of it, we won't go down paths "just because" or because that's what most people do or are doing. It's easy to identify what you don't want; there are examples everywhere I'm sure. For instance, my in- laws started out years ago coming out of school wanting to build a house. They had land that was given to them previously. They lived in a trailer on their land while their house was being built. Though quarters were tight, they spent time together often, and when problems occured, they worked them out then and there because there was no where else to go. Then once they moved into their 3600 square foot house they found that things changed. The kids had bedrooms downstairs, nobody ever saw each other, mom had a much bigger load cleaning wise. Years later they ended up resenting much of those aspects of the house. Bigger isn't always better, more isn't always more...most likely you're better off to just keep it simple and always be grateful for what you do have. Thanks Mr. Harvard:)

2006-03-22T00:06:00.000-07:00

My sister with "buggy" on his birthday December 27th 2005. I love that boy!

2006-03-22T00:04:00.000-07:00

Gracie...a girl with spunk. She is her own person, independent and full of life. She loves all things living. We had a breakout of ants in our kitchen and she was feeding them chips because "they're hungry." She's my littlest best friend. She does have that first child bosiness in a major way and she has her own ideas about everything. Though this makes raising her as a young child hard, I think these traits will serve her well in the years to come.

2006-03-21T23:59:00.001-07:00

Thanksgiving 05 we all had paper crowns...kinda fun.

2006-03-21T23:59:00.000-07:00

my sweet little Gabe...aka "buggy"

school of rock

2006-03-21T22:20:00.000-07:00

Tonight we watched School of Rock with Bry and Kate. My favorite line was,

"Raise your goblet of rock!"

2006-03-20T23:31:00.000-07:00

Two Halloween ladybugs. That's my crazy Gracie.

Gracie my crazy girl

2006-03-20T22:41:00.000-07:00

Gracie you are so unique. She is so fun and crazy. We like to have concert night on friday nights during dinner. We usually watch a concert on DVD of one of our favorite performers. So far we have done Ella Fitzgerald (of course) Alison Krauss & Union station, Andrea Bocelli, Sarah Brightman and then we watched Les Miserables the dream cast (no acting-just singing...awesome singing mind you-the best). So my kids really like this because they inherited a love of music from their parents. Plus they can't really get away from music even if they wanted to because of our singing and what not.

But this morning at breakfast I asked Gracie what cd she wanted to listen to and she picked out my Les Miserables cd because it has the little girl on it. She thought it was the DVD and so I put that on for her. She's four so it's kind of funny. But she likes it. I love how as a mom I can expose my kids to all kinds of music and help them develop a good ear from the time they are toddlers. It just rocks! I saved up some money by selling some stuff on ebay to buy a violin for Gracie. We'd like to start her on lessons but I want to wait until we are settled somewhere so I can find a good teacher. She says that she wants to play the horn (trumpet) but we told her she'd have to wait a bit to start that. So she's cool with trying the violin too. I might want to wait till she's five though. I don't know. It may go nowhere and I don't really care if nothing comes of it, but I want her to have the chance that I didnt' have.

I also want to take violin lessons too when she starts up. I have wanted to play since seventh grade but wasn't able to because my mom didn't think I would practice and probably didn't have the money either. So, why not try it now. Maybe I will not like it and struggle really hard, but I want a chance to try. I saw a pbs special tonight on all these kids who play violin.They were teenagers actually and very accomplished musicians. Some of their parents were really weird. They made the instrument be their life. I wouldn't ever want to be like that. I don't want to push so hard, or live my dream through my kids, but I want opportunities to be available.

Control

2006-03-19T23:05:00.000-07:00

Control is something that everyone wants a little piece of. Somedays I actually think that if I can set up everything just right (like setting up dominoes) then I can expect a certain reaction. Seems logical to me. However life doesn't operate on this rule and when I am disappointed because my dominoes begin to fall before or after I am ready, I take it as a major blow. Actually, I almost can't take it. It takes me some time to recover and accept that I can set things up and hope for the best, but that is all I can do. It's almost like a short grieving process for the loss of control. I'm even talking about in the little things of life. I set up everything in my mind first and then try to make it happen. Jeremy's a good support though. He knows that this is something that's a part of who I am and he just walks me through my "grieving process" ;) when things don't work out how I planned.

Ps. Tomorrow is the first day of spring but you wouldn't know it based on the weather here. Yesterday we were walking out of the grocery store when it began snowing again. Jeremy turned to me and said, "It's the eternal winter from hell." SIGH...unfortunatly I have to concur.

Gabe

2006-03-17T21:12:00.000-07:00

It is a constant pull between the sorrow that comes from feeling like your child won't develop the same as other children and then having faith in God and knowing that there is purpose to all things one experiences. I have been watching a video where families with young autistic children are being interviewed. I found myself having strong emotional feelings seeing a young boy who reminded me of my son who is now 2 years old. They showed this boy at 2 and then later when he was probably 5. It was interesting to see a glimpse of what my future might be in a few years with my little boy. It gave me a lot of hope but then also some sadness. Some of these parents do forty hours a week of therapy with their autistic child. Right now I do as much as I can all the time playing with him, using the skills I've been taught and in addition to that he has three hours a week of therapy and it is a lot. The psychologist recommends 20 hours a week. Kind of overwhelming to me. I know balance is key here...just getting to that point is the crux of the matter. I don't know that I would ever feel like I was doing enough though...as a parent you almost think that if you give enough of yourself you will be able to change everything if you just work hard enough. He's the greatest little boy. The other day I was laying on my bed and he climbed up on it and sat on me and leaned down and gave me a kiss and then said, "iss, iss." That was the first time that he had ever shown spontaneous affection. He makes us laugh too with all his quirks. He also hates having clothes on and takes the sheet off his mattress constantly and then takes off his pajamas every night. We have to tape his diaper on with packing tape at each diaper change. But we just laugh about it. I guess I just don't want to feel like I would be responsible for any lack of development because I didn't give enough. But I only feel this way for a while till I talk myself out of it. Then maybe in a week or so the feelings will return. What an experience life is.

Hydrangeas

2006-03-17T15:54:00.000-07:00

Hydrangeas
Quote from Lady Ella

“I know I’m not glamour girl, and it’s not easy for me to get up in front of a crowd of people. It used to bother me a lot, but now I’ve got it figured out that God gave me this talent to use, so I just stand there and sing.”

Intellectuals:)

2006-03-17T14:52:00.000-07:00

I was looking today on google at names of old friends trying to find out where people are at and what they are up to. I happened to see some friends of mine had blogs. This was fun to see all the intellectual and profound things they had to say ;) some things never change. I love it though!!! It's great.