The atonement of Christ

I wanted to record a sweet experience of parenthood that happened a few days ago. 

On Friday Gracie asked if she could talk to me. I said sure and she began to tell me how in class they were supposed to write about a trip they went on with their family. She said that she couldn't think of any we had been on so she wrote that we went to Hawaii and told the class that she rode on a dolphin. It was hard to keep from laughing a bit, but I saw the concern on her face and asked her how she felt about the experience. She said that she felt very badly because she knew that it wasn't true. I asked her what she wanted to do about it and she said that she wanted to tell her teacher the truth. I was very proud of her for recognizing this on her own. I was pleased to see the workings of the Spirit on her little heart encouraging her to do right.  On Sunday night before bedtime I told her that it was time for family prayer. She quietly asked me if when I said the prayer could I please ask Heavenly Father to help her have courage to tell her teacher the truth the next day. I gave her a big hug and agreed.  I was outside on Monday when she came home from school running up to me with a big smile on her face. She said that she had told her teacher the truth and that her teacher wasn't mad at her.  

Later on that night we were getting ready to go pick up pizza as a family. Gracie came up the stairs with very sad eyes and when we asked her what was wrong she broke down crying. In her hands she had a tiny plastic toy dolphin and a little heart made out of the beads that you iron and they stick together.  I had seen these items around the house for probably two months or more. She explained sadly that they didn't belong to her. She had told me a long time ago that a friend had given them to her. She said that the dolphin belonged to her teacher and she had found the heart at school.  She felt very badly about lying and taking something. She looked up at Jeremy and me and said, "What am I, some kind of loser?" Jeremy and I both had tears in our eyes as we took the opportunity to teach her again about the process of repentance and the beautiful gift of forgiveness extended by Jesus Christ. We expressed our love to her and how happy we were to see that she was growing up and that her heart was changing. We saw the pain lift from her face as she accepted that she would be forgiven and that she could make things right again.  She told us that she was going to take the things back to her teacher the next day. 

It is a beautiful thing to watch your child learn life lessons that I myself am still working on all the timef. Realizing how much compassion I had for her tender repentant heart caused me to think of my Father in Heaven and h0w much he loves me, even when I make mistakes, and the joy he feels when I  humbly repent.  I can see that my sweet daughter is growing up and that the discernment between right and wrong is becoming more clear to her all the time. I was happy to see that she felt like she could come to us and that we would help her know what to do to ease the little burden weighing on her soul. It makes all the hard moments worth it just to have one experience like this. 

Update

Update

On Friday I met with Gabe's pediatrician to discuss his sleeping problems.  Gabe used to take a few hours to fall asleep and then wake up again around 3am or so and be awake for a few more hours and then go back to sleep. A few months ago we started Gabe on a low dose of over the counter Melatonin. This was great in helping him fall asleep.  He was usually asleep within 20 minutes of going to bed which was a miracle. I feel like his behavior improved significantly as his sleep improved. However, the waking up at 3 am is going on again. This is because Melatonin is only meant to help you fall asleep...not necessarily stay asleep. So she suggested a medication called Tenex which she has used with some of her other Autistic patients and seen success. It doesn't have any side effects which is great. She also suggested upping his Melatonin dose. So we started the new meds on Friday but only .5 mg each night for the first week, then we bump up to 1 mg and then possibly 2 after that week.  She said it will be about two weeks before we notice a difference. I'm very curious to see how this affects Gabe's moods and desire to cooperate.  We shall see. 

Today I met with an agency in town that does developmental therapy, community living skills and other therapy for people of all ages who have disabilities. Gabe is going to start getting 22 hours of therapy a week (which is how much Medicaid will pay for) through this agency. Some will be here at home and some will be in the community and at their center. They also have options for respite care in case I need a night out every now and again, I can have someone who is qualified to care for Gabe. She also said that someone could even go to church with us on Sunday to help with Gabe. This will all be starting in April. I don't know exactly what to expect, but it sounds like it will really help lift the burden from our shoulders. I'm also hoping that with increased therapy and better sleep that Gabe can make some gains in the way of communication.  I feel hope in these things. I feel like I'm getting more organized. It's a lot of work trying to get all of this stuff set up. There is so much paperwork you have to get from here or there and then tons to sign everywhere, and meetings meetings meetings. Kind of crazy, but in the end it will be worth the work. 

Something else that is on my mind tonight is my sweet Gracie. Gracie sees a counselor once a week at the youth studies center.  When she was five she was tested for ADD and Aspbergers. She scored pretty high on both tests. These were not evaluations, but tests to see if she qualified for developmental preschool. She did qualify and did half a year of the preschool. Then she began kindergarden in a transitional kindergarden class which is a smaller kindergarden class that usually has special needs children in it...ranging from Downs kids to kids with speech delays.  After two months of the T-Kindergarden she was moved into a regular kindergarden class. She did okay, but still had a LOT of behavioral- social/emotional difficulties. She has always had trouble expressing emotion in appropriate levels. She has difficulty with authority and problems in her relationships with other children. She finished out the year and began at a new school when we moved. She has done very well this year. Her teacher says that she occasionally has behavior issues, but nothing too serious.   I mentioned last post that her teacher said that in the past three weeks her behavior has gone way downhill. The counselor said this could be because we are pushing her more to behave and she is resisting. She said we will keep watching over the next three weeks for an improvement.  Also, Gracie's counselor gave me two types of tests/forms to fill out. One is the Gilliam Aspberger's Disorder Scale and the other is a Child Symptoms Inventory checklist. She gave me three sets, one for Jer to fill out, one for me and one for her teacher.  I just got the ones from her teacher back today. I was looking them over and comparing some of her answers to my own. I had expected that I would rate her the highest in some areas out of the three of us. This is mostly because her teacher hasn't really elaborated much on Gracie's behavior, or offered any kind of thoughts or opinions on her behavior. But when I looked at the forms, she marked that she had "frequently observed" many of the behaviors listed in the Aspbergers form and in the Inventory checklist. Some of them were things that should would have been able to better observe than I could because she sees Gracie in a classroom setting with peers, and interacts with her for work and play related activities.  I realized that I agreed with her on a lot of the stuff she had marked, when I originally marked "never" or "seldom observed" on my forms.  Her teacher also wrote that Gracie was the very best reader she had ever taught in first grade out of ten years of teaching.  (Usually aspbergers kids have a  major area that they really excell in) Anyway, I guess it kind of hit me that she might actually have Aspbergers. There is a huge part of me that wants to reject that possibility. I feel like crying when I think about it. That's what spurred me to write tonight. It's hard to face things sometimes. I want to scream at it to go away and leave me alone. 

At the same time though I am seeing that there is a lot of help out there right now and the only point of a "diagnosis" or label is so that you can get your child the best help they need to help them be the best they can, and be happy. Gracie hasn't changed. She has always been the way she is now. She has always had these behaviors and issues since I can remember, so it's not like my life is going to get harder because somebody puts a name on her collection of struggles. It just means that now we can focus on helping her the best we can, honing in on the specific areas that she needs help with. We can also look at other Aspbergers kids and parents and see what has worked for them and try it for ourselves.   

I gotta run and go pick up Jeremy from school, but I am going to try and keep up with these issues on my blog because it helps me to write and I need an outlet for this emotion. I'm also glad to have this case history stuff recorded.  Thanks for listening. ;)

Today has been hard. 

Gabe's therapist (a child psychologist and graduate student) seems at odds with what to do with him lately. He's being so obstinate and refusing to work. I am hearing the same story from his teacher at school. They are doing everything they know how and nothing is working or helping. Today Gabe and I both worked together with the therapist directing us. It went okay. We were practicing walking down the hall. Half the time he would just lay on the floor, or run away or run off into another room. When it was time to go he would walk a little bit and then lay on the floor or get distracted or stare off in space when I tried to talk with him.  Finally he walked out of the office only to try and run up the stairs in the hallway. Finally once we got outside I just picked him up and carried him sideways to the car. Then I had to force him into his car seat and he is extremely strong. I had to brace his body in there with my knee while I tried to get the straps around his shoulders.  The therapist usually brings the baby in his carrier out to the car for me because it takes all of me to get Gabe in the car.  Then she says that she doesn't know how I do it and that he is one of her tougher patients to figure out what works with him. Then of course she has to bring up Levi. Everytime we are there she is always looking at him and asking if he's doing this or that...not helping the anxiety I already constantly feel about his development. Yesterday at the doctor's office she said that his development seemed on track which was great news. But I still have a major fear of losing Levi to autism. I'm always wondering if I'm doing enough and working with him enough because I think if I don't it will be my fault if he becomes autistic. I know this isn't true...but it's always going through my head just the same.  The therapist was saying today, well just make sure you do this and this with Levi as much as you can to help him, kind of like early intervention. I just didn't need to hear that right now. Especially since yesterday I went to check Gracie out of school for a doctor appointment and her teacher asks me if something has changed in the past three weeks because her behavior has gone completely downhill. I said, "well, she started counseling." Awesome...here I am feeling like I am trying to get her help and things at school get worse. The good news is however, the teacher wants to test her to put her in the gifted and talented program. 

Anyways, I am tired and feel completely inadequate to deal with everything. I think people expect me to know what to do with Gabe and guess what...I don't!  I'm doing my best which isn't very much. I also think a lot of people completely underestimate the situation. I appreciate that people at church want to help so that we can bring Gabe, but I really think they have no idea what they are up against. They want to assign him someone to work with him at church and be his companion which is great, but when a developmental psychologist is struggling to work with him in her office each week...let's be realistic folks. 

I need to remember that Gabe cycles in improvement and regression. I have seen it before and have gotten the same phone calls from his teachers. It's just hard. It's just the whole one step forward, five steps back thing that wears on me. I am going to meet with Gabe's doctor tomorrow about his sleeping problems. Gabe is usually awake in the middle of the night for a couple of hours everynight. He falls asleep quickly when we put him to bed because he takes melatonin at night. But melatonin doesn't help you stay asleep...just fall asleep. I think Gabe is partly exhausted and irritable from lack of rest. Hopefully he will be able to help me figure something out. 

Okay, well it feels good to at least write this all out.  Breathe Kelli...just breathe ;)

Things I want to do in the near future, or someday

Go rock climbing

Take anthropology classes

Visit another country

Play a part in a musical again

Sing with a jazz band

Help with an extreme home makeover

Be trained as a nurse

Visit historical sites around my home

Go to a college football game

Make lasagna...(feel motivated to make lasagna)

Have a container garden of flowers on my back porch

Go on a river rafting trip again

Take a yoga class

Try out cycling

Do more hands on humanitarian work

Anger

Sometimes anger is a difficult emotion for me to understand within myself. Most of the time it is a cycle that goes like this: I feel hurt about something, I get angry that someone hurt me, I pretend I don't care, I feel tempted to hurt them back somehow or make them feel guilty, and whether I do it or not, I usually end up feeling sad and frustrated. Once the the anger has taken its course, I feel yucky. I want to get it out of my system, I don't want what someone else did to have power to hurt me. I don't want to feel angry feelings towards someone. I begin to feel bad about myself that I have this "anger" thing inside of me and I can't rid myself of it. This is when I usually find myself in prayer because I realize I can't forgive on my own, or heal from the wound on my own.

Today I had this cycle of anger experience. After I prayed, God lead me to pick up a book that I had discovered a few months ago that has some profound insights on anger. I want to post some of my favorites here. It is a book of meditations on transforming difficult emotions by Thich Nhat Hanh. It's called Taming the Tiger Within.

I love this meditation because it helped me realize that anger does not define who I am. Anger is simply an emotion...not me.

"In a time of anger or despair, even if we feel overwhelmed, our love is still there. Our capacity to communicate, to forgive, to be compassionate is still there. You have to believe this. We are more than our anger, we are more than our suffering. We must recognize that we do have within us the capacty to love, to understand, to be compassionate, always. "

He also says that, "Nothing can heal anger except compassion." I have found this to be the best tool in diffusing my hurt or angry feelings.

" When you begin to see the suffering in the other person, compassion is born, and you no longer consider that person as your enemy. You can love your enemy. The moment you realize that your so-called enemy suffers, and you want to help him stop suffering, he ceases to be your enemy."

Finally, there is one last meditation which touched me concerning compassion.

"Compassion is a beautiful flower born of understanding. When you get angry with someone, practice breathing in and out mindfully. Look deeply into the situation to see the true nature of your own and the other person's suffering, and you will be liberated."

Anger is poison to the soul. Carrying it around in my heart will drag me down in all aspects of my life. But I don't get rid of it by trying to imagine it away, or not think about it. I have to search out understanding which will yield compassion. Jesus Christ is the embodiment of compassion. He has perfect compassion because he did experience everything that we (and our seeming enemies) feel. We won't be able to experience our "enemies" sufferings the same way He has, but we can try to put ourselves in their shoes and walk a mile. We can imagine the compassion which Christ has for them, and for each of us individually and forgive.

Go Grass Roots

Attention friends,

Don't let news media or politicians think for you. Get informed about what the situation is really about, and then do something about it! A great website that breaks things down and has a good video is :

www.fedupusa.org

There are actually a lot of other alternatives to solving the economic crisis. Let your congressman & senator know that you want them to explore these instead of  using tax payer $ and getting our country into more debt (they would have to borrow the 7 billion).  You might be surprised at how they voted on Monday. 

It is easy to contact their offices. Look up their contact info on google, or find out who they are by visiting www.usa.gov

I called the # listed for their Washington DC office. Someone will answer and all you have to say is that you are a concerned citizen who says NO Bailout Bill...Find a Better Way without burdening the tax payers! They will take down your name and address for records purposes and that's it! 

You will have let your gov't representatives know what you want because right now they are listening...taking tallys of what the people are saying. They want to get re-elected. 

It only takes a few minutes and can make a big difference.  Thanks for listening.

Baby pics

Sorry for posting these soooo late but I've been kinda busy. This is sweet little Levi Garrett Foutch. He was born July 9th 2008 at 7 lbs 1 oz and 18 inches long. We love you Levi!!!

What...a NEW post??? It can't be!!!

Yes folks, I am still alive and kickin'

Here's a little sum up for ya.
Jeremy decided to go back to school as a grad student to work towards a doctorate in chemistry. So we packed up our little family after a crazy amount of prep work and moved once again back to Moscow, Idaho. It was really crappy saying goodbye to Nicole & Jon, Mike & Acacia, Trace and Josh and my bros. I miss them tons. But we are adjusting to life in Idaho. We like where we live and have really good friends right next door and family super close too which has been great.

I am realizing again what a cool little nook Moscow happens to be. There are a lot of ecclectic shops and it has such a tight community feel to it. There is always something fun going on around here. I have to admit though that I do miss super walmart :(
Gracie is happy because she has friends close by and cousins too. The school is close enough to walk to and she and Gabe both go to the same one. Their classrooms are right across from each other.

I've been thinking the baby has acid reflux for a number of reasons, and last night we started him on zantac and he slept all night!!! Five and a half glorious hours of sleep! Then he slept during his nap this morning instead of waking up screaming after sleeping only twenty minutes like he usually does. Oh happy day. Last weekend Gabe had the flu and this past week and weekend I had a sinus infection, and today Gracie woke up with a fever. Wow..what fun. At least the baby is happier. I am feeling better too luckily.

Jer likes school so far and is getting ready to start teaching a lab beginning this week. I told him I want to come spy on him and watch him teach. I think it'd be cute.

Anyways, I gotta take care of my crazies

blog back soon